Peace

Philippians 4:6-7 has been bringing me comfort through this agonizingly long two weeks.  Today, I'm breaking it down and applying it to myself personally.

do not be anxious about anything,
Anything:
- Whether or not the treatment worked
- Whether or not I'm pregnant
- Whether or not I'll miscarry again if I am pregnant
- How freaking long it's taking to get to Monday, the 21st.
- What I'm going to say to all the people who have been praying for us if this didn't work

but in everything
Everything:
- Every day
- Every time you think of it
- Every time you're tempted to worry or be anxious
- Happy or sad
- Hopeful or sure it didn't work

 by prayer and supplications
Not by whining or complaining about it
Not by eating your feelings
Not by sleeping away my life until the 21st is here
Not by talking to everyone else BUT God about it
By PRAYING and running to Jesus

with thanksgiving
There are so many things to be thankful about since starting the treatments.  I had a lot of difficulty even getting this train on the tracks and was really starting to doubt the competency of the staff (turns out it's just my nurse, yay).  But everyone else at the office has been so nice.  They remember me (and have even started calling me Jess instead of Jessica).  They take the time to answer all my questions.  Surprisingly, my nurse who takes my blood every day is my favorite which is super weird because I hate blood draws (I mean, who likes them). She makes small talk with me and remembers me and is just so nice.  I'm super thankful for the majority of the staff at SGFC.

I'm also so thankful for all the support and prayers we've gotten from family and friends who we've told about the treatments.  I get texts or emails almost every day from people who just want to let us know they're praying for us.  Our support system is amazing.

let your requests be made known to God.
He wants to hear from me.  He is okay with me going to him every day and requesting over and over again that this would work.  God Himself grants me an audience with Him.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding 
Supernatural peace.  Lasting peace.  Better than this world's peace.  Deeper than I can understand or comprehend.

will guard your hearts
My broken, fragile heart.  It's safe in His hands and He can protect me.  Even though my hopes are up - how could they not be - He can help me guard from being totally crushed should the worst happen. I can trust him. I can trust him.  Lord, help me trust you.

and your minds
My stubborn, cynical mind that's been through so much disappointment and loss that it sometimes just thinks there's no other way. That I'm destined to always be disappointed.  Or that loss is around the corner even if something does go the way we hope.  God is guarding that for me too.  He is giving my mind peace and the ability to slowly believe that it will all be okay too.  I will make it through this, no matter what happens. I don't have to fear.

in Christ Jesus. 
My precious Savior.  It all comes back to Him.  How could I doubt His love for me when I remember the pain he suffered for my expense.

Though it will be painful if the answer for us is "no", I take comfort in knowing that He is in control.  My life is in his hands and He is worth this journey if it means we bring more glory to Him.

Now if I could just hold onto that Truth and that feeling for more than a few moments at a time...

Oh Lord, help me.

Is it test day yet?

Last night I couldn't sleep and in the middle of that groggy too-sleepy-to-get-up, too-awake-to-fall-asleep place I found myself subconsciously praying (begging, basically) for God to let this treatment work.  For there to be a fertilized egg making its way to my uterus right now to burrow in and stay for the next nine months.  I've never wanted something so badly that I've sleep-prayed for it before.  Everything in me is desperate for this to work and our journey through infertility to be over.

This morning I woke up with a fear that maybe we didn't do enough.  Should we have had sex just one more time to make sure? What if I ovulated later and we missed it? My body has been slow to respond to the initial doses of medication - what if it responded slowly to the Ovidrel and I didn't ovulate until Saturday night or Sunday?

Mostly I know these fears are irrational.  I think my mind is just going crazy because... well, what else is it gonna do during this torturous TWW?

I want to trust God.  I want to have peace and not stress out about this, but it's really hard.  The suspense is killing me.  I just keep praying over and over again that this will be what works.  That God will hear us and answer us.  That He will finally fulfill this desire that he's given both of us to be parents.

This verse brings me momentary comfort.  I'm trying to meditate on it throughout the day, but the thoughts of worry and impatience insist on pushing through with brute force.  It's a constant battle.  I want to be hopeful and confident and full of faith.  But the weak, scared part of me wants to prepare myself for the worst, to be doubtful, skeptical, and sure that it didn't work.  As if that will somehow make the potential bad news easier to bear.

You would think that by now I should be an expert in waiting.  Ha!

When we were first married and Doad traveled a lot, we'd talk on the phone every night.  We'd end our calls by saying "Let's go to sleep and make time fly" because as long as the day may have been, time always seemed to pass by quicker while we were sleeping.  We would wake up one day closer to seeing each other again.

Well, let me just tell you.  It has been really tempting to try and just sleep these two weeks away.

I know a positive test doesn't mean that we're in the clear.  But it sure would be a good start.

Dear Monday, can you get here soon, please?  And can you bring me some incredible news?

Trigger Shot/Health Update #7

Picking up from the last post:

Thursday, October 27th: Restarted the Letrazole at double the original dose (2.5 increaded to 5). Take for five days (until Monday).

Tuesday, November 1st: One egg on right ovary  (14mm).  One egg on left ovary (13mm).  Not quite ready for ovulation (needs to be between 18-20).

Thursday, November 3rd: Right egg = 17mm. Left egg = 19!! Ready for ovulation!  Time for trigger shot and lots of lovin' over the weekend.

I felt super weird about giving myself the shot, so hubby did it for me.  I'm glad he did because he did it so gently and slowly so that it wouldn't burn.  I think it also made him feel more involved in the process which is nice for both of us.

I also wanted YOU to feel involved in this process too - our family and friends have been an amazing support to us as we walk through this journey of infertility.  We are starting a new chapter called "Fertility Treatment" and you all have fallen right in stride with us as we turn this corner.  There's only so much you can do, but I thought you'd like an insiders view on the "real story" of fertility treatment.  So... here's a silly (unedited) video of Doad giving me our first trigger shot.





And now we wait.  Two agonizingly long weeks until we can get a pregnancy test done to see if it worked and if our baby is finally on his or her way to us.  Pray with us?

In case you need to ugly cry today...

This short movie brought me to tears today and I thought I'd share it with you.  I know not every story ends this way and I don't mean to instill false hope.  But I do know that God writes good stories.

No matter how crappy the chapter you're in seems right now, we can trust our Good Father to redeem it.  He heals, He provides, He comforts, He loves, and He is good.  Be encouraged, friends.

Number 3

It happened again.  You were here and gone in the blink of an eye.  Two pink lines one day, and an empty womb just a week later.

I barely had time to be excited.

Your dad was excited though.  He loved you immediately and began making plans for your arrival - you were due 2 days after his birthday.  I think he loved that.

Every night that week he would pray over my belly and thank God for you.  We prayed that you would be strong and healthy.  That you were growing and in just the right spot.  Even after I began bleeding, we prayed for a miracle, we hoped against hope.

We fought so hard for you, baby.  I want you to know that.

Though I fell instantly in love with you the moment I saw even the shadow of a second line, I felt a lot of fear this time.  I prayed for God's help to be strong no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy was.  But still I felt fear.  Fear of the heartbreak, fear of yet another loss.

But fear or no fear, it hurts just as much.  It sucks just as much.  I miss you just as much.

Sometimes I feel really guilty.  Is my body just rebelling against being pregnant? How can it be so hard to get pregnant AND so hard to stay pregnant?  It's frustrating to try so hard and to get so close, but still not succeed.

The journey through grief is just as confusing and unpredictable the third time through as it was the first.  I will never get used to this.

But I won't give up either.

I know God has a plan in all of this.  Some days that's comforting, some days it makes me really angry that this could be a part of God's plan.

We miss you, baby.  We love you and can't wait to be with you again someday.

Romans 15:13 
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

One Year Ago Today...

I've been composing this post in my head for over two weeks now.  I've written down drafts and then left them unpublished - how do you put into words the intense range of emotions that accompanies an anniversary of loss?  How do I stay real in this space without becoming too depressing and dark?  How do I honor our little one and our loss and yet still provide hope, encouragement, and glory to God? 

I was going to share a glimpse of the bitterness and anger that I've been going through.  The sense of emptiness and confusion - the "why her and not me?" that comes with every pregnancy announcement (of which there has been an abundance this holiday season).  I thought maybe I'd talk about the guilt of just wishing Christmas was over so you don't have to put on a fake smile anymore and things can just get back to "normal".

But if you're in this boat, you don't need a reminder.

You know what it feels like.

And you know how easy it is to give in to all these negative feelings.  We don't need to give them any more airtime...

they've had enough already.

So today I forced myself to make a list of the positives.  On this anniversary of loss, I'm choosing to dig deep and remember what I have to be thankful for.  This year was hard, but God gave us many blessings too.  I don't want to end this year on a low note.  I don't want Satan to take that from me too.  So here is a short list of gifts that I am thankful for this year:

- I'm thankful for all the ways Doad and I grew closer and stronger in our marriage.  These losses could have torn us apart, but by God's grace, they made our marriage stronger.  He is my best friend and I am so fortunate to have him to lean on through this journey.

- I am thankful for my church family who is always kind, loving, and supportive.

- I'm thankful for our trip to Cancun and the time we got to spend in each other's company relaxing and exploring and taking a much-needed vacation.

- I'm also thankful for all the other places we got to travel to together this year: New Jersey, Orlando, Massachusetts.

- I am thankful to no longer be in a stressful job and to instead be pursing a career that fills me with purpose and happiness.  I love what I am doing right now and am excited about the future in health-coaching and with essential oils.

- I'm thankful for Lacey and what a good companion and comfort she is.  She is such a good cuddler and so loyal.  She knows how to make us feel better and she brings so much joy to our home.

- I am thankful for dear friends and family who care enough about us to go through the ugly stuff with us.  They know when we need tough love and when we need a shoulder to cry on.  They have borne the brunt of bad attitudes and still love us.  They keep us accountable.  They pray for us.  They LOVE us.

- I am thankful for how we grew in Christ.  There has been a lot of questioning and hard lessons from God, but I am grateful that our faith is not stagnant and stale.  We are being stretched and tested.  We are learning about the Holy Spirit and his activity in our daily lives. We are learning to let go and to simplify.  We are learning to trust beyond what we though we were capable of and we are clinging to hope with all we've got.

So there's a list... and I am thankful.

And I do mean it... but... it feels fake.

I can't end this post here all pretty and resolved and let you think it's as simple as that.  I want you to see the battle here.  I want you to see that it took over an hour to write that list - that I'm fighting not to give in to the negativity.

This isn't easy.

The flesh in me wants to look at this list and say "That's not good enough."

I wanted a baby this year too.

Instead I lost not one, but two babies.

And all these months later, I still have no answers.  I wish I had more to share with you, but this is all I know:

Somehow

Someway

God is still good.

He is near to the brokenhearted.

He offers comfort, and peace, and hope.

His grace is sufficient for us, and his power is made perfect in our weakness.

He is the giver of life.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

He loves with an everlasting love and his faithfulness towards us continues.

O sister, sweet friend, dear one in the thick of this battle with me,  be encouraged!  Let your heart be open to the comfort of His Word.  It may sting as it goes down, but hidden in these promises is the only place I can find rest right now.  I pray the same for you.

This is the fight.

To go back to what we know, to cling to the promises of God.  To choose to dwell on the hope and the peace that He offers and not the death and despair of the world.  Fight with me.  Hope with me as the new year comes.

Lucky VS. Blessed

I won a car the other day.

The total value of the prize was a little under $50,000.  I was really excited.  (Don't worry, it was legit.)

Then I found out that I couldn't be eligible for the prize because Maryland has stupid rules about how a sweepstakes can and cannot be run in the state.  From extreme excitement to extreme disappointment in a couple of days. Way to go, Maryland.

Obviously, this is a first world problem.  Doad and I already have cars, three to be exact.  Technically, we have more than we need.  I don't take that for granted.

But I have been thinking a lot about why this happened.  I entered this sweepstakes accidentally.  I would never have known about it if I hadn't won.  If I just hadn't won or hadn't accidentally entered I wouldn't have experienced the disappointment of almost $50,000 slipping through my fingers.  What was the point of all that?

Maybe there is no point, but I think maybe Satan is trying to lure me into a place of discontentment.  

It's hard not to plan and dream about what I would do with an extra pile of cash in your hands - I started making purchases in my mind and feeling that sense of security that more money seems to give.  And then it didn't happen that way,  and it's tempting to feel a sense of loss - even though I haven't really lost anything at all. 

It's a silly, frustrating situation. I don't understand it.  I'm disappointed, but I'm trying not to get all bent out of shape about it.  It was a prize - I'm not entitled to it, and I am content with what I have.  I could surely have put it to good use, but I don't need more.  I have been blessed with so much already.  

So that's what I've been trying to focus on, the good things that are in my life already.  I don't want to miss out on the MANY blessings in my life right now because I'm pouting about ONE blessing that I don't have.  

In this context, an attitude of gratefulness isn't too hard to grasp and embrace.  It becomes difficult for me though, when I transfer this logic to our fertility story.  I want that blessing of a baby (so much!), and while I do believe that someday, somehow I will receive that blessing - it's really easy to miss out on all the richness in my life right now and only focus on the loss.  It's easy to cultivate that discontentment and wish the days away until that baby we are dreaming of and praying for is in our arms. 

But if I don't fight for contentment now and learn to live in these moments, our baby is going to come and I'm going to find something else to be discontent about and miss those moments too.  

I don't know if this is the lesson I was meant to learn in all of this, but as I climb into my 16 year old car with the AC that doesn't work right and the window that doesn't roll down anymore, I'm going to be really tempted to wish it was a 2016 BMW instead.  I can't change my circumstances, but I can change my attitude.  I want to spend my days soaking up the moments with joy and thankfulness, not wishing them away for better days that may or may not come.  

Dealing with Fear and Anxiety

I'm writing this post the morning of my HSG test.  I'm feeling a lot of fear and anxiety about this test, so much so that I feel sick to my stomach.  

I usually take all this nervous energy and channel it into something unproductive (Candy Crush, Netflix, Googling the procedure and scaring myself even more...), but I thought this morning that maybe instead of asking everyone else to pray for me and then twiddling my thumbs and waiting for it to all be over that I should actually do some praying for myself too.  

These are the verses that I'm going to try and focus on before and during my procedure today.  I hope they bring courage and strength to you too.  Whether you are facing fear today or some day in the future, I think we all can be encouraged by these words.

Via

Via

Via

Via

Via

31 Days of Thankfulness

Day 2: Lacey

Day 3: My New Job

Day 4: I'm OK

Day 5: My Church

Day 6: 2014 Resolutions: September Recap

Day 7: Nail Polish

Day 8: Katie and the Wellness Family Summit

Day 9: Whole30
Day 10: Pick-Your-Own Farms
Day 11: Farmer's Markets
Day 12: Our Town
Day 13: Our Home
Day 14: Sewing Room
Day 15: Our Photo Wall
Day 16: My Bathroom Vanity
Day 17: The Kitchen
Day 18: Porch Swing
Day 19: Our Garden
Day 20: Our Bedroom
Day 21: The Beach
Day 22: Doad
Day 23: Chipotle
Day 24: Blogging
Day 25: Bloggers
Day 26: Our Neighbors
Day 27: Naptime
Day 28: Our Family
Day 29: Friends
Day 30: Days Off
Day 31: Hope

Something the Lord's been teaching me about lately is that He wants me to have a joyful and merry heart.  I want that for myself too, but it's definitely not a strong point for me.  I can be a pretty pessimistic person at times and have really tried to make some changes in that area this year.  

Most of my monthly goals that I blog about are "physical" goals, meaning they don't have too much to do with my spiritual or emotional self.  At the beginning of the year, however, I really did feel that the Lord wanted me to make joy a goal for this year too.  I didn't add that to my list because I didn't really know how to make that into a goal that you could measure progress in, but it has been consistently on my mind as the months have gone by.  I guess you could say that's my "Word" for the year.  

One of the books I'm reading has recently touched on this topic.  It was talking about how joy begins with thanksgiving and that the way we can practice having a merry heart and a joyful spirit is to take time each day to give thanks.  I love the idea of practicing joy.  It doesn't happen overnight.  It becomes a habit just like any other attitude.  

I've been trying to remember to consciously take time to be thankful each day.  It also just so happens that Myquillyn Smith's 31 Day Challenge starts today.  I never do anything half-heartedly so I figured, why not make this daily thankfulness a blogging challenge as well? ;) I've followed this challenge for a couple of years now, but this will be my first time participating.  I'm a little nervous, because let's face it, my track record for blogging regularly is rubbish.  You guys can feel free to comment and keep me accountable to posting every day all you want. ;)

For the month of October, I will be attempting to blog every day about one thing I am thankful for.  You can check back on this post each day for a link to my latest thankfulness post, or follow me on bloglovin' to get the posts automatically in your feed.  

Wish me luck, guys!  I'm excited! :)

My New Happy Place

I wrote in my last post about the new porch swing that Doad built, but it deserves a post all its own because it's just about the best thing ever.  I've been having my quiet times with the Lord on it and they have just been amazing.  I'm not even sure if I can explain it without sounding crazy, but the times I have spent on that swing lately have just been so precious and special to me.

Twice now I have been praying and journaling about something specifically only to open up my devotion for the day and see God responding with a clear promise from His Word.  I wrote about it in my journal, but I also want to share it here:


   The other day I was praying about Doad and his job and the future.  It's a long story, but basically I have never really thought that he would be there for a long time.  I am praying for God to open up doors for him to find a new job and I wrote this in my journal:

"I don't really know what to ask except that you would just make our steps clear to us.  Give us peace and wisdom as we look to you for direction."

Immediately after that I opened up the devotion for the day and the verse was Jeremiah 29:11-12.  The devotion was all about God's good plan for us and how when we pray to him he hears us and answers.  So reassuring.  And such cool timing.


   So again today I was on my swing, journaling and praying.  This time about a silly mistake I made that could cost me $20.  I even said something to God about how in the grand scheme of things, I know this isn't a big deal, but it was on my mind anyway.  The last sentence I wrote in my journal was,

"Can you please help me out with this?"  

Then I opened my devotional.  The title?  "God Helps His People" :)

I don't know if it's the peacefulness of the gentle swing outdoors and the beautiful weather we're having lately, or that I'm just actually slowing down and spending some real time praying and in the Word.  Maybe it's a little of both.  But I'm cherishing these moments and find myself looking forward to these quiet times each day in my new little happy place.  It's like our special meeting place.

My faith is built up and encouraged by these real ways that I'm seeing God respond in my life.  Some might call these verses coincidences, but I feel like they're whispers from God reminding me that He is real and active in my life and He cares.  Even about the little things, He cares.

Tell me about your happy place, real or imaginary, spiritual or not. 

What brings you to that place of peace and contentment?

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Worry vs. Trusting

This week has been quite a bummer for Doad and I.  Unless the Lord provides a miraculous softening of hearts, it looks like we won't be moving this weekend after all.

It's a long story and I don't know all the details, but basically in order for our loan to be fully approved, the underwriter requested a revised appraisal.  (Long story short: it needed to be updated to have our names on it instead of a previous buyer that fell through.)  This should be simple and easy, but the appraiser is refusing to do this on the basis that "we are not his clients".

According to our loan officer, this is not true.  This is the part where I don't know all the details, but according to the way our loan and contract are set up we ARE legally his client and he is required to make the changes.  He is saying otherwise, but has also said that for a hefty chunk of change he MIGHT be able to do something about it.  Essentially blackmail...  grrrrr!

Our loan officer made her final case yesterday.  We are waiting to hear back about how it went.  Please pray for us that the Lord would soften this man's heart and that our loan officer was able to present her case in a gracious, organized and irrefutable manner.

If this does not work, it means that we will need to get an entirely new appraisal and start a lot of this process over again.  While this isn't the end of the world, it does mean a delay in closing and moving - which also means scrambling and rescheduling as all of our plans were to move into the house this Saturday.

I've been clinging to this verse from Sunday's devotional on SheReadsTruth:

I love it when your devotions just seem to hit you where it matters.  I don't always feel like I can hear the Lord speaking clearly to me, but it sure has been clear this week.  Check out these words from Monday's devotion:

Even though I'm frustrated and don't understand why this glitch with moving has come up, I am still trusting and resting in the promise that God is fighting for us.  He is writing our story.  I will remain calm and keep praying for a miracle. :)

Friends, will you pray with me?

Please and thank you :)

She Shares Friday

I started a new journal this week.  Which means I've actually been pretty good about keeping up with my daily devotions lately.  Maybe I shouldn't say this, but there's something about writing in a cute new journal that makes devotions a little more enticing than usual.

I gotta confess.... I've been struggling with the new #SheReadsTruth plan a little bit.  Taking a good chunk of time out of your day to just sit still, be quiet, talk to the Lord, and then listen for His quiet whispers.... it's not that easy.  I've been sort of procrastinating on it and as a result, I've been feeling real "stale" the past couple of weeks in my relationship with the Lord.  I feel like I'm not connecting; like I'm missing something.  Probably because I am missing something. (hello!)  I need to be connecting with the Lord each day.  And I know that.  It's just hard sometimes.

So this new journal has been helping me a little bit.  I've been writing out my prayers to help me stay focused.   I'm still struggling with the "being quiet and listening" part.  That time always seems to be the same time that I start thinking of all the other things I "need" to do that day.  Then I rationalize that if I just do them "real quick", I will be able to focus better for prayer time.  And we both know.... that list never ends.  Hence, the procrastinating.  I'm hoping that writing about this today will hold me a little bit more accountable and be the nudge I need to stop putting it off.  But I also know I need to just be disciplined and make it a priority.

Source

I've also asked Doad to start praying with me before bed each night.  My hope is that praying together will be a bigger priority for both of us - and maybe doing it together regularly will help make it easier for me to do on my own too.  It is so motivating to me when I see my husband leading me by example.  He takes such good care of me physically, financially, emotionally, but it is by far the most attractive to me when I see the way he takes care of me spiritually, especially by praying for me and with me.

So that's where I'm at this week.  I'm looking forward to these last couple days of our Prayer study.  Not because I want it to end, but because I get another chance to maybe hear some of the lessons I've been missing out on the past few weeks.





Thanks for letting me share. :)

Glorious Day

There is a certain Casting Crowns song that has been popping up around me lately.  We sang it in church on Sunday and it was on the radio when I got in the car yesterday morning and now I can't get it out of my head.  :) 

This particular song actually brought tears to my eyes on Sunday.  I think it was because I'm absolutely horrible at giving myself grace, but when I sing this song it forces me to speak about the grace I've received and what Christ has done for me.  

For. Me. 

I try really hard not to say stuff I don't mean or believe.  So when I sing this song, I'm confessing to myself that I actually believe He loved ME, He saved ME, and He justified ME.  Whether I feel I deserve it or not.  And that is such an amazing wonderful thing. God's grace and love is so huge and beyond my understanding.  But every now and then I catch a glimpse of it and it blows me away.  I guess I'm trying to say that this song does that to me.  Blows me away with a glimpse of God's unconditional love.  And so I wanted to share that with you.  Maybe you will catch a glimpse too.  :)







Enjoy friends.  Be blown away by God's love today.


:)