Fertility Journey Update/Health Update #6

Oh man, it's been a while since I've done one of these.  I tried to keep it short-ish (it was originally 18 minutes long, yikes!)  There's a lot to cover though, so I apologize for the length.

Hopefully it all makes sense, but as always - if it doesn't, please ask!

 

In case you want the abbreviated version without watching the whole video, here's a brief timeline:

September 2015: Finished all of our testing and had no huge issues.  Decided to just keep trying naturally for a while.

February 2016: Started thinking about IVF or adoption. Got pregnant.  Miscarried.  No idea what to do next.

May/June 2016: Went back to fertility doctor for testing since it had been almost a year.  No big changes with Doad.  Jess = crazy thyroid antibody levels, PCOS diagnosis.  Learned of Ovulation Induction protocol option.

Summer 2016: Removed several foods from diet that were triggering thyroid antibody elevation.  Started Ovasitol supplement for PCOS.  Decided to try naturally until October and then do Ovulation Induction (OI) if we weren't pregnant by then.

October 2016: Not pregnant.  Started OI.  Not responding to current dosage of Letrazole (to promote egg growth).  Will most likely start again at a higher dose.


More updates to come!

On Your Due Date

Tiny Babe #3,

Today is your due date.  Your dad and I so hoped that we'd get to meet you and just like our two sweet ones before you we were devastated when we learned that was not to be the case.

I'm sorry this happened again.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to carry you longer.

I'm sorry we never got to meet this side of heaven.

Our hearts ache for you every day.  We dream of holding you in our arms and kissing your sweet face.  We dream of watching you grow and celebrating your wins.  We dream of being there to comfort you and cry with you in the hard times.

Mostly, we dream of telling you how loved and wanted you were.  And still are.  We love and miss you every day.

While nothing can make your loss less painful, we take comfort in knowing that you're with Jesus and our Good Father can redeem even the saddest of situations.

We love you, baby.
So much.

Mom

Number 3

It happened again.  You were here and gone in the blink of an eye.  Two pink lines one day, and an empty womb just a week later.

I barely had time to be excited.

Your dad was excited though.  He loved you immediately and began making plans for your arrival - you were due 2 days after his birthday.  I think he loved that.

Every night that week he would pray over my belly and thank God for you.  We prayed that you would be strong and healthy.  That you were growing and in just the right spot.  Even after I began bleeding, we prayed for a miracle, we hoped against hope.

We fought so hard for you, baby.  I want you to know that.

Though I fell instantly in love with you the moment I saw even the shadow of a second line, I felt a lot of fear this time.  I prayed for God's help to be strong no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy was.  But still I felt fear.  Fear of the heartbreak, fear of yet another loss.

But fear or no fear, it hurts just as much.  It sucks just as much.  I miss you just as much.

Sometimes I feel really guilty.  Is my body just rebelling against being pregnant? How can it be so hard to get pregnant AND so hard to stay pregnant?  It's frustrating to try so hard and to get so close, but still not succeed.

The journey through grief is just as confusing and unpredictable the third time through as it was the first.  I will never get used to this.

But I won't give up either.

I know God has a plan in all of this.  Some days that's comforting, some days it makes me really angry that this could be a part of God's plan.

We miss you, baby.  We love you and can't wait to be with you again someday.

Romans 15:13 
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

To Baby #2

Sweet, little baby,

This is not how it was supposed to be.  Yesterday was your due date.  If we had it my way, you'd be in my belly about to be born or in my arms being kissed ten thousand times a day.

But it isn't that way.

You had a few short weeks in my belly, but you weren't able to grow where you implanted and so you joined your sibling in heaven.  There you two wait for us to come to you since you didn't get to come to us.

We can't wait to come to you.

We can't wait to meet you.

I don't even know what you look like, but I think about you every day.  I think about how I'd sing to you and cradle you in my arms.  How I want to smother you with kisses and smell your soft little head.  How your dad and I would watch you grow and smile with so much pride over the amazing person you would surely become.

We found out we were pregnant with you while on vacation in Cancun.  There was a beautiful peacock that greeted us several times that week and we decided your nursery would be themed after him with beautiful feathers in shades of green and blue.  Every time I see a peacock it reminds me of you and how happy we were to have you in our lives, however brief.

Oh, how I wish we could have met you.

But someday we will.  And that gives me hope to keep going.  I know Jesus is taking good care of you.  And you are with your sibling.

So while we mourn for our loss, we also look forward expectantly to that joy-filled day when we will finally be able to see each other face-to-face.  And I will hold you and kiss you and tell you in person how very, very much I love you.  We miss you and we love you so much, sweetheart.  See you soon.

Mom

One Year Ago Today...

I've been composing this post in my head for over two weeks now.  I've written down drafts and then left them unpublished - how do you put into words the intense range of emotions that accompanies an anniversary of loss?  How do I stay real in this space without becoming too depressing and dark?  How do I honor our little one and our loss and yet still provide hope, encouragement, and glory to God? 

I was going to share a glimpse of the bitterness and anger that I've been going through.  The sense of emptiness and confusion - the "why her and not me?" that comes with every pregnancy announcement (of which there has been an abundance this holiday season).  I thought maybe I'd talk about the guilt of just wishing Christmas was over so you don't have to put on a fake smile anymore and things can just get back to "normal".

But if you're in this boat, you don't need a reminder.

You know what it feels like.

And you know how easy it is to give in to all these negative feelings.  We don't need to give them any more airtime...

they've had enough already.

So today I forced myself to make a list of the positives.  On this anniversary of loss, I'm choosing to dig deep and remember what I have to be thankful for.  This year was hard, but God gave us many blessings too.  I don't want to end this year on a low note.  I don't want Satan to take that from me too.  So here is a short list of gifts that I am thankful for this year:

- I'm thankful for all the ways Doad and I grew closer and stronger in our marriage.  These losses could have torn us apart, but by God's grace, they made our marriage stronger.  He is my best friend and I am so fortunate to have him to lean on through this journey.

- I am thankful for my church family who is always kind, loving, and supportive.

- I'm thankful for our trip to Cancun and the time we got to spend in each other's company relaxing and exploring and taking a much-needed vacation.

- I'm also thankful for all the other places we got to travel to together this year: New Jersey, Orlando, Massachusetts.

- I am thankful to no longer be in a stressful job and to instead be pursing a career that fills me with purpose and happiness.  I love what I am doing right now and am excited about the future in health-coaching and with essential oils.

- I'm thankful for Lacey and what a good companion and comfort she is.  She is such a good cuddler and so loyal.  She knows how to make us feel better and she brings so much joy to our home.

- I am thankful for dear friends and family who care enough about us to go through the ugly stuff with us.  They know when we need tough love and when we need a shoulder to cry on.  They have borne the brunt of bad attitudes and still love us.  They keep us accountable.  They pray for us.  They LOVE us.

- I am thankful for how we grew in Christ.  There has been a lot of questioning and hard lessons from God, but I am grateful that our faith is not stagnant and stale.  We are being stretched and tested.  We are learning about the Holy Spirit and his activity in our daily lives. We are learning to let go and to simplify.  We are learning to trust beyond what we though we were capable of and we are clinging to hope with all we've got.

So there's a list... and I am thankful.

And I do mean it... but... it feels fake.

I can't end this post here all pretty and resolved and let you think it's as simple as that.  I want you to see the battle here.  I want you to see that it took over an hour to write that list - that I'm fighting not to give in to the negativity.

This isn't easy.

The flesh in me wants to look at this list and say "That's not good enough."

I wanted a baby this year too.

Instead I lost not one, but two babies.

And all these months later, I still have no answers.  I wish I had more to share with you, but this is all I know:

Somehow

Someway

God is still good.

He is near to the brokenhearted.

He offers comfort, and peace, and hope.

His grace is sufficient for us, and his power is made perfect in our weakness.

He is the giver of life.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

He loves with an everlasting love and his faithfulness towards us continues.

O sister, sweet friend, dear one in the thick of this battle with me,  be encouraged!  Let your heart be open to the comfort of His Word.  It may sting as it goes down, but hidden in these promises is the only place I can find rest right now.  I pray the same for you.

This is the fight.

To go back to what we know, to cling to the promises of God.  To choose to dwell on the hope and the peace that He offers and not the death and despair of the world.  Fight with me.  Hope with me as the new year comes.

How to Help a Friend Through Pregnancy Loss

I thought I'd share today how I have experienced comfort and encouragement through my friends and family during pregnancy loss.  Everyone is different so I know that these may not apply for everyone, but here is a short list of do's and don't according to Jess. ;)

Do: Ask me how I'm doing
I think that a good portion of the grieving process for me involves processing my feelings out loud to someone.  If you have the time (and energy) to hear an honest answer about the emotions and thoughts I'm having on that particular day, it can be very helpful to know that you are willing to talk to me about it and maybe even cry with me. However...

Don't: Feel like you have to talk about it with me every time I see you
It's definitely okay to not bring up the loss if the situation isn't appropriate.  Sometimes it's also just nice to take a break from the mourning and act like things are normal.  I'm sorry if this seems like contradicting advice, mostly it comes down to discernment.  Thankfully, my friends have really great discernment and know when I need to talk and when I don't.  :)

Do: Share words of encouragement:
I've received emails of verses and quotes, texts about dreams from the Lord, and messages/cards of your sympathies that have been so encouraging and comforting.  I love to have those to look back on when I'm struggling and have even passed some of them on to others who are going through miscarriage and loss.  Also hugs.

Don't: Give me cliches
These are easy to rattle off when you want to say something encouraging but don't know how.  I know you mean to be genuine and comforting, but I don't know how to respond when someone tells me that God is in control and He knows best.  It's not that I don't believe that, it's just that it doesn't help to make this any easier or less painful.  This point has been thoroughly covered in other similar articles so I won't spend any more time on it except to say this: If you don't know what to say, it's okay to not say anything.  :)

Do: Bring meals
This blessed me more than I can explain.  The last thing I wanted to think about was meal planning, cooking, cleaning, or even eating.  It was such a relief to not have to worry about that and yet know that Doad wasn't going to starve or end up on a bachelor diet of frozen pizzas and fast food.

Do: Bring life
Many, many people brought us a small gift of flowers or plants.  I found it so healing to be surrounded by the beauty and aroma of fresh flowers and the life of a growing plant.  It also gave me purpose and something to do - I spent many mornings watering my new rose bush... and crying in the dirt lol, but I think that brought healing too.  Now obviously I don't expect others to bring me presents or even meals every time we go through a loss, but for those of you looking for ways to comfort friends in similar situations these are some great tangible ways so show your love and support.  A close friend also bought me a necklace with the birthstones of both of our babies on it.  I love having something small to keep with me and remember them by and I wear it everyday.

A couple other things that I found comfort in:

Music:
There's not a big genre for pregnancy loss music, but I made a playlist of the few songs that I found and played them over and over again during the first few weeks.  I found comfort knowing that I was not alone and that others understood what I was going through.  You can find my playlist here.

Puzzles:
I bought a pack of 12 puzzles and finished about 9 in a week and a half.  They were hard enough that I had to focus and it took my mind off of my grief but they didn't take tons of energy and I could still feel like I "accomplished" something.  For you maybe this is video games or reading or baking or binge watching a tv show (which we also did...)

Lacey:
Lacey was therapeutic for both me and Doad because she was a constant.  She didn't treat us any differently than before, she just kept loving us.  She was her same silly, goofy, snuggly self and for some reason that was really reassuring.  She helped bring us back to the present when we were lost in sadness and she gave us a reason to laugh.  I'm so thankful for her and how she loves us.

Friends and family are so important during times like this.  While I can't say that this has been easy, knowing that I have the support of others has helped to make this process smoother for me.  I hope that this has been helpful and gives someone the motivation to reach out and share comfort, support, and encouragement to a friend in need.  It could mean the world to them.  I know it did to me.  :)

Processing Loss

I feel like blogging today, but I am drawing a blank on what to write about.  Lately, most of my posts have been about our health/fertility journey and pregnancy loss.  I was hoping to be struck with some divine words of wisdom to inspire and encourage others who may be going through a similar chapter in their life right now, but to be honest, maybe I'm the one who needs to read a post like that today.  I'm still in the trenches too.  I'm definitely not standing on the other side yet, ready to tell you that it's hard, but you can make it through.  I'm still figuring out how to make it through too.   

So maybe instead, I can just provide some solidarity by sharing where I "am" right now on this journey.  It's been a little over a month since our second sweet little babe's life ended.  Thirty-eight days exactly since we learned that we wouldn't get to meet this one either.  The shock has worn off, but the pain has only slightly diminished.  

We went back to church for the first time last week.  On Father's Day.  It was our week to serve in children's ministry, so we spent our first Sunday back since losing our baby surrounded by other people's babies and young children.  Not my ideal return to church, but I was actually kind of thankful to avoid the crowds and found it slightly therapeutic to cuddle some chubby tots and kiss their soft little heads.  

I'm struggling to talk to God about this loss.  I really wrestled with Him the first time.  I told Him that I was mad at Him, that I felt like He didn't do anything to help us, and asked Him how I was supposed to trust Him when I felt so let down by Him.  He met with me during that time.  He comforted me.  He showed me many ways that He had taken care of me and fought for me.  I felt my faith in Him renewed and that was a big part of my healing. 

This time... this time I don't know how I feel.  I obviously still believe that everything He showed me and spoke to me the first time is true.  I've seen His hand helping us through this past month and felt his comfort through our friends and family.  But I'm still upset.  I still can't believe this happened again.  I'm afraid of how many times He's going to ask me to go through this kind of loss.  I'm tired of waiting and trying and hoping.  I want to skip ahead and know for sure how this is all going to play out.  

I know I'm not going to get straight answers like that though, so I think instead of asking and talking to God about it and risking more disappointment I've just been avoiding having any type of conversation with God at all.  I know He's there and I can acknowledge His sovereignty and faithfulness, I've even found comfort in several Bible verses, but I haven't gone any further than that.  

Maybe subconsciously I'm not ready to move into the next phase of grieving either so I'm just holding onto it instead of taking it to Him.  This grief is heavy and cold and dark, but it also feels safe and comfortable and familiar now.  I don't know if I'm ready to heal.  I don't want to move on.  

One of the things I hate most about all of this is the lack of control.  Nothing in the past two years of trying to get pregnant has gone the way that I hoped it would.  Nothing.  I know that control is just an illusion anyway, but it's hard not to fight that.  It's hard not to want to feel like you have some say in what happens in your life.  I think that God is trying to teach me to just sit back and trust Him to keep me safe on this ride... and I'm rebelling hard against that.  I want to tell Him how to author my story and I'm mad that He hasn't taken my "advice".  I'm sure that the sooner I accept all this the better it will be for me - man, too bad I'm a stubborn hard-head.  

So that's where I am today.  Still working this all out.  Still processing.  Still working up the courage to journal again and be honest with God and let Him back in.  I'd love to hear from you, friends.  Leave me a comment and tell me how you're doing.  Or share a verse with me that has helped you through the difficulties in your life.  

When the Unthinkable Happens... Again

Saturday, May 2: Doad and I set off for a fun-filled vacation to Cancun for 8 days.  

Saturday, May 9: The day before we fly home.  A very happy day and an answer to prayer.  

Tuesday, May 12: I start spotting.  I try to keep my cool and not get stressed.  This pregnancy feel so much different than the last one.  I don't have the terrible, foreboding feeling that I did before. I feel happy and hopeful.

Monday, May 18: Still spotting so I call the doc and ask if they can run some blood tests just to ease my mind. HCG = 2224

Wednesday, May 20: HCG = 2894  It should have almost doubled within the two days so the doc calls for an internal ultrasound to rule out any complications.  I prepare to see our baby for the first time and am actually looking forward to the appointment.  I feel calm and fairly confident that our baby is healthy and all our fears will be put to ease at our ultrasound on Friday.

Friday, May 22: We arrive at the office on time, only to be told that our appointment was accidentally scheduled at a second location 30 minutes away.  We rush to the second location and they manage to squeeze us in.  I'm now feeling stressed and frazzled, but try to remind myself that we are about to see our baby.  They turn on the screen and my heart jumps - is that little circle our baby?  The nurse and tech look at each other and the nurse immediately calls for the doctor - that was weird.  Doctor comes in and starts looking over the screen with the tech.  I ask if they can see my baby and they brush me off.  Doad squeezes my hand tight.  My heart starts to pound - something is wrong.  The baby is growing in my right tube.  The pregnancy is ectopic.  Not viable.  Over.

I shatter.  Start crying.  Is this really happening?  Another loss.  Again?  


Why?


The doctor asks if this is my first pregnancy and I tell her that I miscarried just four and a half months ago.  She tells me that she is sorry and this is really unlucky.  I know she's trying to sympathize, but it sounds so unfeeling in that moment.  I want her to fix it, tell me there's hope, something that can be done.  Instead she tells me that I have three options: 1) I can take a low dose of chemo to dissolve the pregnancy 2) I can have surgery to remove the pregnancy and my tube 3) I can wait until my tube ruptures and have emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding and have my tube removed.  

I want someone else to make the decision for me.  How can I choose to end something that I have wanted and prayed for for so long?  I feel like I am betraying the life inside of me.  If there had been any way to save the pregnancy, I would not have hesitated to take the risk.  Nothing can be done though, so I choose the medicine.  I'm sorry, baby.  Please forgive me.

The day is long.  From the doctor's office we go to the hospital for a qualifying blood test - STAT.  Doad eats.  I can't.  Then to the outpatient infusion center for the treatment.   I almost pass out on my way to the car.  What have I done?  Please tell me this is a nightmare.  

At home, we collapse into bed.  We are in shock.  Trying to process.  Just this morning I was preparing to see our baby - happy, healthy, growing.  Now, hours later, I am no longer pregnant.  Empty.  Shell-shocked.  Broken.  The grief is unexplainable.  So thick, so heavy, so dark.  How many more times is this going to happen?

God uses our friends and family to surround us and help us muddle through the long weekend and the week following.  They send us prayers and encouraging verses.  They pray for us.  They bring us a meal - every day.  

Slowly, I make my way through the process of grieving.  I no longer wake up crying every morning.  Most nights I can fall asleep without tears.   But the road is long and lonely.  No one can do your mourning for you.  Some days it's two steps forward and one step back.  And some days it's two steps forward and two steps back. I think today might be a one step back kind of day - but it's hard to tell.  

This is my story today.  I'm not going to lie, I don't like this part of the story.  But it is my story and whether I like this part or not, I have to believe that God is doing something through this sad, hard thing.  Please pray with me, friends.  Help me hold out for the happy ending.

Lamentations 3:20-24 (ESV)

My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.  But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

Health Update #2

I've been struggling to write this post for a while now and finally just decided not to write it at all and to vlog about it instead.  As you can see in the video, it was still hard to get out, so I apologize for the immense awkwardness you're about to watch. 





Please keep us in your prayers, friends.  We are trusting God and waiting expectantly for His plans for us to unfold.  

PS.  I'm serious about wanting to be there for others.  If you're going through a similar situation (or not but you just need a friend, that's ok too!) and would like someone to talk to, I'm here.  Contact me through any of my social media buttons at the top right of this page or leave me a comment and I'll be in touch.  :)