Jessica Smith: Dream Chaser

I'm going to nutrition school!

This kind of happened suddenly, so I'll explain:

A while back, Doad and I decided that I would not stay on a second year as a nanny once my first year is up in September.  That time is quickly approaching so I have been giving some thought to what I will do after that.

During my sister's high school graduation, the commencement speaker (who also happens to be my brother-in-law!) shared his advice for deciding what to do after graduation.  He said that the world needs people who are passionate about what they do and told them not to just look for a job that fills a need in the world, but to look for something that brings them life.  That resonated with me and I have spent the last few weeks thinking about what brings me life.

The answers that I have come up with all have to do with health and nutrition, teaching others how to be healthier, and empowering them to make those changes in their own lives.  Enter: health coaching.

I entertained the idea of becoming a health coach about a year ago when I heard about a school called the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.  I've been receiving their emails and attending their webinars almost monthly since then, but hadn't dared to mention this to anyone else.  This blog is all about the dreams that I'm chasing in life - having a family, traveling, making a difference in the world... but felt hesitant to share my new dream of being a health coach with anyone.  What if they thought I was crazy?  What if I can't do it?  What if, what if, what if....

I finally told Doad about it and he jumped on board right away.  He helped me see how well this complements the things that I am passionate about and encouraged me to go for it.  We decided to think and pray about it.  As I did that, I felt the fear and uncertainty fading away and found passion and excitement taking it's place.  I finally admitted to myself that I really want to do this.  So I decided to go for it, I'm chasing this dream.  Last week, I officially enrolled into nutrition school to become a health coach! :)

I start in September and I'm super, super excited! :)

When the Unthinkable Happens... Again

Saturday, May 2: Doad and I set off for a fun-filled vacation to Cancun for 8 days.  

Saturday, May 9: The day before we fly home.  A very happy day and an answer to prayer.  

Tuesday, May 12: I start spotting.  I try to keep my cool and not get stressed.  This pregnancy feel so much different than the last one.  I don't have the terrible, foreboding feeling that I did before. I feel happy and hopeful.

Monday, May 18: Still spotting so I call the doc and ask if they can run some blood tests just to ease my mind. HCG = 2224

Wednesday, May 20: HCG = 2894  It should have almost doubled within the two days so the doc calls for an internal ultrasound to rule out any complications.  I prepare to see our baby for the first time and am actually looking forward to the appointment.  I feel calm and fairly confident that our baby is healthy and all our fears will be put to ease at our ultrasound on Friday.

Friday, May 22: We arrive at the office on time, only to be told that our appointment was accidentally scheduled at a second location 30 minutes away.  We rush to the second location and they manage to squeeze us in.  I'm now feeling stressed and frazzled, but try to remind myself that we are about to see our baby.  They turn on the screen and my heart jumps - is that little circle our baby?  The nurse and tech look at each other and the nurse immediately calls for the doctor - that was weird.  Doctor comes in and starts looking over the screen with the tech.  I ask if they can see my baby and they brush me off.  Doad squeezes my hand tight.  My heart starts to pound - something is wrong.  The baby is growing in my right tube.  The pregnancy is ectopic.  Not viable.  Over.

I shatter.  Start crying.  Is this really happening?  Another loss.  Again?  


Why?


The doctor asks if this is my first pregnancy and I tell her that I miscarried just four and a half months ago.  She tells me that she is sorry and this is really unlucky.  I know she's trying to sympathize, but it sounds so unfeeling in that moment.  I want her to fix it, tell me there's hope, something that can be done.  Instead she tells me that I have three options: 1) I can take a low dose of chemo to dissolve the pregnancy 2) I can have surgery to remove the pregnancy and my tube 3) I can wait until my tube ruptures and have emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding and have my tube removed.  

I want someone else to make the decision for me.  How can I choose to end something that I have wanted and prayed for for so long?  I feel like I am betraying the life inside of me.  If there had been any way to save the pregnancy, I would not have hesitated to take the risk.  Nothing can be done though, so I choose the medicine.  I'm sorry, baby.  Please forgive me.

The day is long.  From the doctor's office we go to the hospital for a qualifying blood test - STAT.  Doad eats.  I can't.  Then to the outpatient infusion center for the treatment.   I almost pass out on my way to the car.  What have I done?  Please tell me this is a nightmare.  

At home, we collapse into bed.  We are in shock.  Trying to process.  Just this morning I was preparing to see our baby - happy, healthy, growing.  Now, hours later, I am no longer pregnant.  Empty.  Shell-shocked.  Broken.  The grief is unexplainable.  So thick, so heavy, so dark.  How many more times is this going to happen?

God uses our friends and family to surround us and help us muddle through the long weekend and the week following.  They send us prayers and encouraging verses.  They pray for us.  They bring us a meal - every day.  

Slowly, I make my way through the process of grieving.  I no longer wake up crying every morning.  Most nights I can fall asleep without tears.   But the road is long and lonely.  No one can do your mourning for you.  Some days it's two steps forward and one step back.  And some days it's two steps forward and two steps back. I think today might be a one step back kind of day - but it's hard to tell.  

This is my story today.  I'm not going to lie, I don't like this part of the story.  But it is my story and whether I like this part or not, I have to believe that God is doing something through this sad, hard thing.  Please pray with me, friends.  Help me hold out for the happy ending.

Lamentations 3:20-24 (ESV)

My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.  But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

Big Changes Part II: That Time We Both Quit Our Jobs on the Same Day

I think we both knew from the beginning that we would be taking the job offers.  I just needed the few days to process that and let it sink in.  I also needed time to work up the guts to quit because, ew, that is kinda nerve-wracking.

Doad went first because I spent half the morning having a panic attack in the bathroom.  I'm kinda friends with my boss which made things feel even more awkward for me.  It was pretty uneventful though, and once I finally got it out and my heart started beating like normal again things were fine. My boss took it really well and once everyone else found out, they all responded like normal, sane human beings.

Doad, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky.  First of all, his boss was out for the day.  Of course.  He couldn't wait though because he wanted to be able to give the full two weeks notice and he was going to be out of town Tuesday thru Thursday.  He decided that even though it wasn't ideal, he would have to call him and tell him over the phone.  But then he found out that the reason his boss was out was because he was at the hospital with his wife who was having surgery.  So awkward.

He finally got the chance to tell him, but didn't get to discuss it with him much (understandable) and that was that.  So we thought.  It turns out that Doad's company is a little smarter than I gave them credit for because they realized how valuable Doad was to them and that they were really in deep doo-doo without him.  They spent the rest of his two weeks trying to convince him to stay.  All except for his direct boss who took it super personally that Doad was leaving and basically shunned him.  Oh, but first he got all aggressive and made some really rude remarks.  Thanks for being understanding man, and appreciating all that my husband did for you for five years. Doad worked his butt of for this guy and yes, I'm pissed that this small man had no respect or character when all was said and done.  He doesn't even realize all that Doad did to try and make his life easier in the workplace.  What a disappointment.

If his boss bought him a goodbye cake, this is what it would have said.

Ok sorry, rant over.

So Friday was our last day at both of our jobs.  A coworker brought me Starbucks in the morning and the office took me out for lunch and gave me a sweet card.  Doad's work buddies took him out for lunch too and at the end of the day we packed up and headed home.  It was a quiet ending to a kind of hectic two weeks.

This Monday we start a whole new chapter in our lives and I'm super excited and also freaked out.  I hope it's a smooth transition and that we both ease our way into our new positions quickly.  Sometimes I'm happy that we're both experiencing this together and can relate to all the newness.  Other times, I worry that we will both feel unstable or stretched at the same time and struggle to be the rock for each other in a shaky place.  But I feel God's peace and know that He was the one guiding us to these decisions and new jobs this whole time.  I've been praying so hard for His clarity and direction and I know He will be with us as we step into these new roles.  I'm looking forward to what's in store and hope that soon I will have some new, cute stories to share about life as a nanny.  :)

Big Changes Part I: Making Decisions

If you know me and Doad in person, then it's no secret to you that we were not super fans of his job.  If you didn't know us in person well,

... we were not super fans of Doad's job.  

I've basically been praying for him to find a new job since he was hired five years ago.  That's not to say that he didn't have ANY good experiences there.  He did.  He learned so much.  He gained loads of experience.  And he  bulked up his resume a ton.  But I hoped and hoped that this would not be his job for years and years.  

So when an opportunity to interview for a new company plopped itself in his lap we were very excited.   Well, and nervous, and cautious, and slightly concerned because who plops job opportunities down like this?

So he interviewed, and we prayed, and we waited.  And prayed some more.

Meanwhile... although I wasn't necessarily unhappy with my job, I was very unhappy with the commute.  I have a special "gift" for attracting all the crazy drivers and when combined with my slight "road rage-y" tendencies... well, I'm just a treat to come home to at the end of the day.  

One day, after an especially rough commute, the kind where you throw the meal plan out the window and just go out for dinner because oh my gosh, please get this girl in public so she stops with the tantrums! Doad sweetly suggested that maybe I should look for a job in town (town is walking distance, literally 60 seconds away from our house, NO COMMUTE!)  ;)  

I entertained the idea half-heartedly, because we all like to fantasize about our dream jobs, but I didn't really think much would come of it.  But then I couldn't get the idea out of my head.  And then Back-to-School happened and traffic got even worse and I was done.  I downloaded the Indeed app to my phone, I googled for any job openings in the area, I even looked on Craigslist for 2 seconds before realizing that no job offer from there actually results in respectable work.  Oops!  

Sadly, there wasn't much to work with, but I did notice a lot of ads for nannies.  Hmmm... babies?!!  I like babies!  Then I stumbled across care.com and hello!  Lots of job openings!  I created a profile and had several messages from families within a few days.  Within a week I had found a great sounding job with a super sweet family.  

So I interviewed, and we prayed, and we waited.

Doad's job offer came on a Thursday.  He felt a little hesitant at first.  It's a scary thing to take a leap like that.  Even though his current job was not a good fit, it was familiar and "comfortable".  We talked about the pros and cons and couldn't come up with very many reasons not to take the job.  We decided to pray about it over the weekend and make a decision on Monday.

My job offer came that Friday.  I also felt hesitant at first.  It's a scary thing to take a leap like that.  Even though I hated my commute, my job was familiar and comfortable.  We talked aout the pros and cons and couldn't come up with very many reasons not to take the job.  We decided to pray about it over the weekend and make a decision on Monday.

...to be continued.

2014 Resolutions: April Recap

Yea, I've been slacking again.  I do this thing where I get lots of thoughts that I want to share and then I get overwhelmed and don't know how to write them down and so I just ignore my blog for a while.  So I'm taking the easy way out and just writing my monthly goals recap.  For now.  :)

1. Run 100 miles this year. 
This month started out terribly.  We didn't run at all until last week.  And then we killed it.  In one week we ran 5.81 miles.  That's like 50% of what we've run so far lol.  So now our total to-date is 15.59 miles and we have 84.41 miles to go.  Oh, and we met my goal of running the loop through 3 times - our first run over 2 miles! :)

2. Get back to my wedding weight. 
Still not there.  This honestly just isn't a super strong focus for me right now.  I'm focusing on eating healthier and exercising when I can.  If the weight doesn't come off, I'm kind of okay with that because I know overall that I am making healthier choices.  BUT... hopefully, the weight decides to come off anyway. ;)

3. Read 12 books. 
Four down and 8 to go.  This month I read The Silver Chair.  One more book to go and I will be moving on from the Narnia series. :)

4. Read through one book together with Doad.
Well... we met our goal for the month.  We read one chapter and that's it.  I'm tempted to make my goal for this month to read 2 chapters, but I know us better than that.  Unfortunately, if we read one chapter we'll be doing good. :/

5. Find a cleaning routine that works. 
Nope. Not yet.  We did do a little bit of Spring Cleaning, but rather than help me get into a routine, it wore me out and threw off my "routine".  Haha.

6. Sell something from my online shop.
CHECK!!!!! You guys, so excited that I accomplished this goal.  I made a sale on April Fools Day. Haha.  It was not a joke though.  I also got some new vision for the shop and made some new items for the shop.  Hopefully this month I will get them listed. :)

7. Go to a marriage conference.
Still looking for one. Any recommendations??

8. Go on a date with one of my sisters each month.
I changed it up this month and decided to take all my sisters out on a date together.  We explored the shops in historic Sykesville and had so much fun!  My sisters are the best and I love hanging out with them.

9. Learn Spanish

Another slowish month in this area.  This month we worked on past tense and it was just hard for me to grasp.  I'm starting to get it though.  Definitely not giving up! :)

How are your goals going?  

It's never too late to set some new goals or renew ones you've lost sight of!

2014 Resolutions: March Recap

I can't believe that we are already a quarter of the way through the year!  March has kinda zoomed by for me, it's been a busy month.  Let's see how I've been doing with my resolutions through this busy month:

1. Run 100 miles this year.

Well, I did a little better than last month.  I ran a total of  4.4 miles this month, bringing my total to-date to 9.78 miles.  That means I have 90.22 miles to go.  With 39 weeks left in the year I need to run about 2.5 miles a week to meet my goal.  Still doable I think... but I need to buckle down!  My big victory moment this month was that I finally ran my usual loop through twice.  We usually run the loop once and walk it once - my goal for April is to be able to run 3 loops by the end of the month. *Fingers crossed*

2. Get back to my wedding weight.

I haven't been tracking this very well.  We are definitely eating healthier and adding more and more veggies into our diet and cutting out more and more processed foods, but I have not been getting on the scale regularly.   I know I'm still a few pounds away from this goal.

3. Read 12 books.

I finished my "March book" today.  Voyage of the Dawn Treader just wasn't as interesting to me as the rest of the Narnia books have been.  I'm looking forward to finishing up this series and starting a new one.  Maybe the Divergent series that's so popular right now. :) 

4. Read through one book together with Doad.

Womp womp.  We've hit that point that we do with all the books we try to read together and just come to a complete halt.  I'm a little bit frustrated about this.  Hopefully we can push through and finish this one.  My goal for this month is small: read one chapter.

5. Find a cleaning routine that works.

Still not into a routine, but I have been doing laundry regularly on my days off this month so I'm counting this as a success this month ;)  Also, I'm planning on doing some Spring cleaning this month - not exactly a routine, but I'm hoping it will jumpstart some new good habits.

6. Sell something from my online shop.

Nothing new on this subject.  Hubby finished the craft room lights though, so I will be in there much more this month.  My project this week is a baby shower gift for my sister-in-law.  Then maybe a couple new items for the shop. 

7.  Go to a marriage conference.

Still looking for one.

8. Go on a date with one of my sisters each month.

March = check!  Jill's turn this month.  We went shopping at the mall for her birthday and had a blast!  We talked about everything from tattoos, to boys, to our awkward middle schools days.  We also found some awesome deals and both went home with a few new items for our closets.  This is one of my favorite goals that I've made for the year and I'm super thankful for the awesome sisters God has given me.  

9. Learn Spanish.

This was a slower month.  I only made it to lesson 27 - so only 3 lessons this month.  

So this month was kind of a struggle.  I definitely made an effort, but it was just a really busy month.  April is a little less busy so here's hoping that I can really step up my game and catch up in some areas.

Your turn, what goals are you hoping to achieve this month? This year? 

I'd love for you to tell me about them in the comments below!

2014 Resolutions: February Recap

Happy March, friends!  Time to check in on my yearly goals and see how I'm doing.  It feels like I haven't done much, but I'm hoping I'm wrong ;)

1. Run 100 miles this year.

Once again, I blame the cold for my lack of productivity in this area.  I'm hoping that will change soon, but seeing as how they're calling for another 5 inches of snow this weekend I doubt it.  My monthly total this month is a whopping 2.55 miles bringing my total to-date to 5.38 miles. Only 94.62 miles to go! Haha....

2. Get back to my wedding weight.

I've been adding healthier meals to our rotation, but since we're not working out tons I still haven't seen the weight go down at all. :/ My motivation is lacking just a little bit in this area.  I keep telling myself I'll be better when the weather's warmer.  

3. Read 12 books.

Two books down, ten to go.  So far I'm still on track with this goal.  Yay!

4. Read through one book together with Doad.

We have been reading through a book called Community by Brad House.  We are about halfway through.  

5. Find a cleaning routine that works.

Still working on this.  I think we're improving?? But I still have a long way to go.  If only cleaning was as entertaining as Facebook...

6. Sell something from my online shop.

This one's still kinda on the back burner.  Doad is installing lights in my craft room right now so things are kind of packed up so he can work in there.  When he's done, I'll be back in there working on a new idea :)

7.  Go to a marriage conference.

Still looking for one we can afford. 

8. Go on a date with one of my sisters each month.

February = check!  This month I took my sister Jianna out for her birthday.  We went to starbucks, got Chinese food, and had a little picnic in my car lol.  

9. Learn Spanish.

Still plugging away at this one.  I'm on lesson 24 now.   I'm actually learning new stuff instead of just reinforcing what I learned in high school which is kind of exciting.  Still got a long way to go, but considering how slowly it's gone the past few years, the progress I've made in the past two months is definitely an improvement! :)

Ok, so that was better than I was expecting. Besides cleaning and sewing, I think I'm staying on track with everything so far.  Yayyy!  Thank you, Blog World, for keeping me accountable. :)    

Your turn, what goals are you hoping to achieve this month? This year? 

I'd love for you to tell me about them in the comments below!

2014 Resolutions/Goals

This is the first year in a while that I've actually made resolutions.  I'm more of a vague goal-setter and this year I really wanted to set some goals that I can measure and achieve.  It's kind of a month late to be posting these, but better now than never, right?  I'm also counting it as my one month update and hoping that this amps up my motivation since we all know how that can fizzle out right about now.

1. Run 100 miles this year (in total, not all at once - hello, I'm not crazy!)

I used to run 3 miles a day when I lived in Texas.  It was mandatory and I hated it.  I had some knee and hip problems and running became painful so I stopped and haven't really run much since. 

I'm seeing a chiropractor for some back issues now and I think the adjustments are also helping with my running issues. Doad and I started running just a little bit last Fall and we are hoping to continue it this year.  Running 100 miles comes out to a little less than 2 miles a week which I think is totally doable and achievable goal for us.  Unfortunately, so far we've only run a total of 2.83 miles this year. :/ 

Thank you, Polar Vortex.  Or whatever.

Hopefully this picks up when the weather gets nicer and my dog heals and can go running with us.

2. Get back to my wedding weight.

I've been working on this since last year and only have about 5 pounds to go, but they are stubborn those 5 pounds!  I mainly want to lose the "snack pack" that's sitting on my tummy.  My strategy is the running from my first goal above and making healthier eating decisions.  

3. Read 12 books.

This goal feels super lame when I compare it to other people's goals of reading 50-100 books this year. But I want these goals to be realistic for me and one book a month is where I'm at. 

I'm reading through the Narnia series right now and am on track so far! I've already started my second book. :) Yay!

4. Read through one book together with Doad.

Again, this goal feels a little bit lame because... one book?  

We have started several books together, but just never make it to the end.  There are two on our nightstand right now that we have been reading together for over a year.  This is the year we finish one of them!  

5. Find a cleaning routine that works.

Our schedules are kinda random and that means our cleaning schedule is really random too.  Right now it pretty much goes like this: House gets really messy.  Jess gets cranky and overwhelmed. Doad helps her clean it.  Jess feels like a bad housewife for letting it get so out of control and vows not to let it happen again.  Repeat.

This year I bought a new planner and have been great about using it so far.  I'm hoping to incorporate some daily cleaning habits as well as some scheduled deep cleaning days.  For some reason, I find cleaning schedules really hard to stick to and am hoping that I can find something that works for us this year.

6. Sell something from my online shop.

I've had an Etsy store for over a year, but haven't sold anything.  :( I haven't been too proactive about it because I really just like sewing and making gifts for friends and family.  But I am slowly building up an inventory for the store and need to figure out what I'm doing with my life how to be more proactive about marketing.  I think I'm just afraid to believe in myself and my products and don't want to come across as obnoxious.  People make success on Etsy look super easy.  Anyone wanna mentor me? lol

7.  Go to a marriage conference.

Just for a tune up and a fun weekend.  This is something Doad and I have always talked about doing but haven't done yet.  We're hoping that changes this year. :)

8. Go on a date with one of my sisters each month.

I love my sisters and don't hang out with them enough.  This is one way that I can force myself to be in their lives at least once a month.  January date = check! :)

9. Learn Spanish.

This is the most intimidating goal for me.  I've talked about this goal before on the blog and it is one I really want to complete, but it is hard.  Slowly but surely we've been chipping away at our lessons.  I feel like we're making progress and am excited to see how far we can go in a year. 

So that's it.  So far, so good, I think.  I feel like these are goals that are easy enough to actually accomplish, but are hard enough to make me proud of completing them too.  

What do you think?  How are you resolutions going?

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Shop Update!

Yikes, a month without posting!  Sorry guys!  I know I'm not the most consistent blogger (I stink at sticking to a schedule) but I have been more absent than I meant to be lately because I've been busy sewing away and working on some new products for the shop.

I'm so excited to have finally finished them and I hope you love them!

The first new items are these darling headbands.  I'm loving how they have turned out and can't wait to see what you think as well.

Can you tell I like polka dots?!  :)  This blue one is one of my favorites: simple and sweet.

The next items are these button hair clips.  These are my smallest items, but another one of my favorites.  I love how versatile they are.   You can use one or two to clip back your hair, use them to dress up a braid or an updo, or add some flair to your new headband! :)

Lastly, I added one more zipped pouch to my collection.  Again with the polka dots ;) I looooove this fabric combo.  I'm tempted to keep one of these for myself!

Please take a look and tell me what you think.  I still consider myself a newbie and honestly would love to have some feedback.

Do you have a craft/hobby that you'd like to turn into a business?

Tell me about it! I'd love to check it out. :)

My Current Dreams

I just wrote last night about wanting to be better at sharing the real me and the dreams I'm chasing.  So here it is: the real, vulnerable truth about my current dreams and adventures:

-Blog:  So the moment I published that post - ya know, the one about not worrying if things weren't perfect?  Yea, the moment I published it I realized that something is wonky with my blog design and I haven't figured out what it is yet.  I apologize for all the random minus signs - it's not supposed to look like that.  :(  Somehow none of the images from my template exist anymore or something.  Anybody have any ideas??

-Learning Spanish:  I mentioned a while back that one of my dreams is for Doad and I to learn Spanish.   I loved it in high school and have wanted to become fluent since taking classes in school.  We are still plugging away on our CD's and I have even gotten a friend at work to help me out too.  It's going a little slower than I hoped, but I'm just happy that we are still working on it.  This is one dream that I think I can actually see progress in! 

-Home owning and decorating:  Since we bought our first house I have developed a love/hate relationship with Pinterest.  I can't get enough of their adorable ideas and clever tips for decorating and house keeping.  But I also feel a lot of pressure to have an equally adorable and clever house.  I've hardly posted a thing about our house because I'm waiting for it to all come together perfectly.  The truth is, I really love it how it looks right now, I'm just afraid it won't be Pinterest-worthy enough to post online. 

-Gardening:  I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing here, but things seem to keep growing so I'm cool with that.  :)  I don't think our tomatoes are gonna make it, and we forgot to plant the zucchini, but the pumpkins and beans practically grow while you're looking at them!  I've been taking pictures of the garden for another update post - coming soon! :)

-Sew So Lovely:  Remember when I opened my Etsy shop last year?  Well, I had pretty horrible timing with it.  I opened right before the holidays and spent so much time sewing Christmas presents for everyone, that I had no time to sew items for the shop.  Then we bought a house and moved the second week in January.  I've just never caught up and/or gotten back in the groove so my shop currently has 6 items in inventory and absolutely 0 online sales.  Womp, womp... 

I haven't given up on it.  I'm actually still sewing regularly, just nothing new for the shop yet.  Hopefully that will change soon.  I have lots of ideas!!

So there you have it.  Some of my current successes and failures.  All dreams I'm still working on achieving in some shape or form.  Your turn!

What are you currently succeeding at?

What dream do you want to start chasing?  What's something that's holding you back?