How it's Been Going

Random thoughts from the past couple of weeks:

Day 1: I wish I could say this day has been exciting - we're finally starting IVF! Unfortunately, it's mostly been stressful.  You can read about that in this post. BUT, I am happy that in the end, everything seems to be working out and we are hopefully on our way to meeting our baby!

Day 2: The first round of shots last night was no fun.  I still feel pretty weird about putting all these fake hormones into my body.  I've refrained from reading the inserts on the medications (something I usually do) because we have already spent thousands of dollars on this process and I'm not about to back out now.  Reading about all the junk in these shots and the side effects I could have is only going to cause even more anxiety at this point. 

Still, I feel pretty gross about this part of IVF.  I wish there was another way.

Day 3: Last night wasn't any easier.  The second shot really burns as it goes in and both times I've felt like passing out halfway through the injection.  Tonight we're going to try icing the injection area with a frozen spoon and doing the shot while I'm laying down on the bed.  Maybe that will help.

I'm feeling a little self-conscious about how much these are hurting me.  I get my blood drawn ALL the time and handle that fine.  I've had shots before and have hardly flinched.  Is it just all in my head?

Doad said he thought I was thinking about it too much and working myself up.  He told me I should stop focusing on the shot while it's happening and try and think of something else that makes me happy.  I know he's trying to be helpful, but I'm feeling super sensitive about it.  I feel like he thinks I'm not doing a good job or that he could do it better.  I wish I were tougher.  I'm not trying to act like a baby, but I feel like that's what it looks like.

Day 4: This morning was appointment #2.  Blood work and ultrasound every day.  Mom came with me this time because Doad had a work meeting he couldn't miss.  We had a nice brunch date afterward which we don't get to do often.  Aha! So there are perks to IVF ;)

Getting my shots on the bed instead of standing up isn't any less painful, but I did feel less like passing out so I think its working better for us.  

I'm feeling quite large and sore in the midsection.  The nurse said that was normal - I have 50 follicles growing compared to the usual one each month.  I've also had headaches and fatigue each day.  I'm not too concerned as these are all "normal" side effects and apart from them slowing me down a little don't really mind them too much - it means things are working like they should.  :)

This afternoon I'm getting my hair done and tonight I have dinner with some girlfriends.  Hopefully, I'll be having my last glass of wine for a long time. ;) 

My first injections

You know you're going to get the inside scoop with me.  I'm vulnerable and transparent to the point of oversharing at times.  Today might be one of those days... ;)

Doad and I have been documenting our IVF journey for our someday baby so we can show him or her how wanted they were and how hard we fought to bring them into our family.  This video may or may not make it into the "documentary"... we don't want to scar the child after all.  But I thought it might be interesting for those who are following along to see the inside story of what IVF entails.

Here is day 1 & 2 of injections... I got a little better after this lol



So I think the moral of the story is that IVF is not fun, but it is totally worth it.

IVF Meds Unboxing

What it feels like when a giant box of medications show up in your natural/crunchy house... 😂😂😂

IVF Chapter One: The Beginning

And so it begins.

Last night was my first night of injections for IVF.  It has been a long road to get here and I know this is just the beginning.

pc: SassyCatBoutiqueUS

Nothing about this process has been simple or easy.  I can't tell you how many times we have thought we weren't going to be able to do IVF only to find out we could only to find out we couldn't and on and on and on.

First, it was the insurance. They don't approve IVF for couples who haven't done IUI yet.  So we needed special approval - which thankfully we got after several weeks of waiting due to our health history and circumstances.

Then it was the medications - will we be able to get them in time now that we've been approved? I called or emailed the office every day the week before my cycle started and still didn't have them by that Friday.

Then my cycle came four days early!  On Saturday! When the regular offices are closed!

Photo by Pim Chu on Unsplash

To say I was freaking out... well, that would be accurate.  After all this time, (and all the work I did to try to keep the nurses on top of things) I was really struggling with frustration that they were not ready for me yet and that not even my body was cooperating with me.

I called a really nice nurse on the weekend line and she reassured me that I could come in on Monday and have my normal nurse work things out for me.

When I came into the office Monday morning, as soon as my nurse took me and Doad back to our room she starts off by telling us that since insurance hasn't approved our meds yet we aren't likely to get them in time to start so we should probably wait until next month.  I told her that when I called on Friday the pharmacy said all they needed was for the doctor's office to call in and they would be able to approve it and send it out the same day.  She seemed very skeptical but said she'd go get the nurse who does authorizations so that she could explain it to me.

Photo by Ken Treloar on Unsplash

As soon as she left I burst into tears.  How could this happen? I called so many times to double check that there was nothing else I needed to do to be ready.  Why did they wait so long to take care of this?

Nurse T came back into the room with the other nurse and saw me crying.  They told me not to cry (that never works FYI) and had some really lame excuses about how this happened.  The main issue is that Nurse D who works with the insurance never told them when my start date got changed from March to February even though that was two weeks ago.  Nurse T and Nurse Z thought they still had a month before I needed my meds.

That's a pretty big mistake since they both found the info in my record and obviously hadn't looked thoroughly through my notes even though I had called or emailed the office every day that past week.  If they had just admitted that they messed up and tried to make it right I don't think I would be so upset about this appointment.

But that's not what happened.  Nurse T started trying to blame me for the mistake by saying if I had called to fill my prescription sooner then I would have been able to tell the office that authorization was needed sooner.  That may be true, but when I called Nurse T specifically on Monday and left her a vm asking what I needed to do next, she never called me back.  And when I emailed her again on Wednesday she told me to call them on Friday to sort out the shipping.

Also, who blames the patient while she's sitting in your office bawling and you and the office have clearly dropped the ball with her?

Somehow through all my tears, I was able to point out that I had left her a voicemail on Monday and an email on Wednesday and Friday and she hadn't said anything about calling the pharmacy until Friday.  She admitted that that was fair and said she'd go talk to the doctor and see what she could do and nurse Z said she'd send the authorization ASAP with "Urgent" at the top.  She offered me a tissue (after I'd been sitting there crying in front of both of them for at least ten minutes) and then left the room.

In the end, I got some loaner meds that I just have to replace with my stash when they get here.  So we are officially started and just waiting on my meds.

By noon yesterday, nurse Z had called to let me know the authorization went through and I could call to fill my rX.

I called the pharmacy THREE times to make sure it would ship last night and be here by today.

Wouldn't you know it, I get a call at 8:30 this morning saying that somehow my meds didn't make it out last night.

I guess shipping had an issue with the order and sent it back to the pharmacy for clarification.  It didn't make it back to shipping before the other orders went out for the night.

Not a big deal since I have enough meds to last me until tomorrow when the meds should hopefully arrive now.  It's just frustrating after everything I went through yesterday.  And after calling them THREE times to make sure nothing like this happened.

I guess it just goes to show you that even this process - though not natural AT ALL is still just as in God's hands to work out the details as natural conception.  I know that on an intellectual level, but sometimes I still feel a little like we're "cheating" by working outside of God's natural design for growing a family.

This week has shown me realistically just how much we need God in this process too.  Again, something I know on an intellectual level, but have begun to grasp on a heart level now.

So I guess I really have to be grateful for how the past couple of days has gone.  It has brought me closer to God and taught me again how to rely on him and trust him in this new circumstance.  Now, let's all pray that I can hold onto this lesson through the ups and downs of the next few weeks. ;)

Peace

Philippians 4:6-7 has been bringing me comfort through this agonizingly long two weeks.  Today, I'm breaking it down and applying it to myself personally.

do not be anxious about anything,
Anything:
- Whether or not the treatment worked
- Whether or not I'm pregnant
- Whether or not I'll miscarry again if I am pregnant
- How freaking long it's taking to get to Monday, the 21st.
- What I'm going to say to all the people who have been praying for us if this didn't work

but in everything
Everything:
- Every day
- Every time you think of it
- Every time you're tempted to worry or be anxious
- Happy or sad
- Hopeful or sure it didn't work

 by prayer and supplications
Not by whining or complaining about it
Not by eating your feelings
Not by sleeping away my life until the 21st is here
Not by talking to everyone else BUT God about it
By PRAYING and running to Jesus

with thanksgiving
There are so many things to be thankful about since starting the treatments.  I had a lot of difficulty even getting this train on the tracks and was really starting to doubt the competency of the staff (turns out it's just my nurse, yay).  But everyone else at the office has been so nice.  They remember me (and have even started calling me Jess instead of Jessica).  They take the time to answer all my questions.  Surprisingly, my nurse who takes my blood every day is my favorite which is super weird because I hate blood draws (I mean, who likes them). She makes small talk with me and remembers me and is just so nice.  I'm super thankful for the majority of the staff at SGFC.

I'm also so thankful for all the support and prayers we've gotten from family and friends who we've told about the treatments.  I get texts or emails almost every day from people who just want to let us know they're praying for us.  Our support system is amazing.

let your requests be made known to God.
He wants to hear from me.  He is okay with me going to him every day and requesting over and over again that this would work.  God Himself grants me an audience with Him.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding 
Supernatural peace.  Lasting peace.  Better than this world's peace.  Deeper than I can understand or comprehend.

will guard your hearts
My broken, fragile heart.  It's safe in His hands and He can protect me.  Even though my hopes are up - how could they not be - He can help me guard from being totally crushed should the worst happen. I can trust him. I can trust him.  Lord, help me trust you.

and your minds
My stubborn, cynical mind that's been through so much disappointment and loss that it sometimes just thinks there's no other way. That I'm destined to always be disappointed.  Or that loss is around the corner even if something does go the way we hope.  God is guarding that for me too.  He is giving my mind peace and the ability to slowly believe that it will all be okay too.  I will make it through this, no matter what happens. I don't have to fear.

in Christ Jesus. 
My precious Savior.  It all comes back to Him.  How could I doubt His love for me when I remember the pain he suffered for my expense.

Though it will be painful if the answer for us is "no", I take comfort in knowing that He is in control.  My life is in his hands and He is worth this journey if it means we bring more glory to Him.

Now if I could just hold onto that Truth and that feeling for more than a few moments at a time...

Oh Lord, help me.

Trigger Shot/Health Update #7

Picking up from the last post:

Thursday, October 27th: Restarted the Letrazole at double the original dose (2.5 increaded to 5). Take for five days (until Monday).

Tuesday, November 1st: One egg on right ovary  (14mm).  One egg on left ovary (13mm).  Not quite ready for ovulation (needs to be between 18-20).

Thursday, November 3rd: Right egg = 17mm. Left egg = 19!! Ready for ovulation!  Time for trigger shot and lots of lovin' over the weekend.

I felt super weird about giving myself the shot, so hubby did it for me.  I'm glad he did because he did it so gently and slowly so that it wouldn't burn.  I think it also made him feel more involved in the process which is nice for both of us.

I also wanted YOU to feel involved in this process too - our family and friends have been an amazing support to us as we walk through this journey of infertility.  We are starting a new chapter called "Fertility Treatment" and you all have fallen right in stride with us as we turn this corner.  There's only so much you can do, but I thought you'd like an insiders view on the "real story" of fertility treatment.  So... here's a silly (unedited) video of Doad giving me our first trigger shot.





And now we wait.  Two agonizingly long weeks until we can get a pregnancy test done to see if it worked and if our baby is finally on his or her way to us.  Pray with us?

Fertility Journey Update/Health Update #6

Oh man, it's been a while since I've done one of these.  I tried to keep it short-ish (it was originally 18 minutes long, yikes!)  There's a lot to cover though, so I apologize for the length.

Hopefully it all makes sense, but as always - if it doesn't, please ask!

 

In case you want the abbreviated version without watching the whole video, here's a brief timeline:

September 2015: Finished all of our testing and had no huge issues.  Decided to just keep trying naturally for a while.

February 2016: Started thinking about IVF or adoption. Got pregnant.  Miscarried.  No idea what to do next.

May/June 2016: Went back to fertility doctor for testing since it had been almost a year.  No big changes with Doad.  Jess = crazy thyroid antibody levels, PCOS diagnosis.  Learned of Ovulation Induction protocol option.

Summer 2016: Removed several foods from diet that were triggering thyroid antibody elevation.  Started Ovasitol supplement for PCOS.  Decided to try naturally until October and then do Ovulation Induction (OI) if we weren't pregnant by then.

October 2016: Not pregnant.  Started OI.  Not responding to current dosage of Letrazole (to promote egg growth).  Will most likely start again at a higher dose.


More updates to come!

Number 3

It happened again.  You were here and gone in the blink of an eye.  Two pink lines one day, and an empty womb just a week later.

I barely had time to be excited.

Your dad was excited though.  He loved you immediately and began making plans for your arrival - you were due 2 days after his birthday.  I think he loved that.

Every night that week he would pray over my belly and thank God for you.  We prayed that you would be strong and healthy.  That you were growing and in just the right spot.  Even after I began bleeding, we prayed for a miracle, we hoped against hope.

We fought so hard for you, baby.  I want you to know that.

Though I fell instantly in love with you the moment I saw even the shadow of a second line, I felt a lot of fear this time.  I prayed for God's help to be strong no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy was.  But still I felt fear.  Fear of the heartbreak, fear of yet another loss.

But fear or no fear, it hurts just as much.  It sucks just as much.  I miss you just as much.

Sometimes I feel really guilty.  Is my body just rebelling against being pregnant? How can it be so hard to get pregnant AND so hard to stay pregnant?  It's frustrating to try so hard and to get so close, but still not succeed.

The journey through grief is just as confusing and unpredictable the third time through as it was the first.  I will never get used to this.

But I won't give up either.

I know God has a plan in all of this.  Some days that's comforting, some days it makes me really angry that this could be a part of God's plan.

We miss you, baby.  We love you and can't wait to be with you again someday.

Romans 15:13 
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

Why Don't We "Just" Adopt??

If I had a dollar for every time someone told us the story about a "friend" they knew who was struggling to get pregnant, decided to adopt, and then got pregnant right after that.... well.... then maybe we'd actually be able to afford an adoption.

This is one of the most common "suggestions" or "comforting encouragements" I have heard while going through our fertility journey lately.  I know it's meant well, but it sure does make me want to punch someone in the face.

It is so much more complicated that "just" adopting.  It's not like we can go pick out a baby to adopt tomorrow and that's that.

Also, I would never adopt just so that I could somehow magically get pregnant - as if that were the formula for ending infertility.

Lastly, if Doad and I are not feeling God's call to pursue adoption, it would be just as unfruitful (pardon the pun) to go down that road.  We have to do what we feel led to do, and while adoption is a dream of ours in the future, neither of us feel that God is leading us to that option at the moment.

This post is a little bit sassy, because I've run out of patience for answering this question.  But for the sake of transparency, I want to share it anyway.  Doad and I have been very open about our journey for several reasons: 1) Your prayers and support have meant the world to us as we walk through this season of waiting and losses, that wouldn't have been as available to us if we had not shared 2) We hope to bring purpose to our struggle by being a source of comfort, encouragement, and solidarity to others in similar situations and 3) God deserves glory, no matter what the circumstances.  As we struggle and wrestle through this we want to share the goodness of God in our dark moments, His faithfulness in our weak moments, and His unending love, even when we can't see the full picture.

So I share this with you so that you can better understand why we've not chosen to pursue adoption yet.  So that you can better know how to pray for us as we make tough choices like this.  So that you can be better equipped to provide comfort to other couples who are maybe making the same tough decision.  And so you can stop telling that story already.  Coming from this fertility-challenged mama, it's just not helpful... for me anyway.

So there you have it, a short (yes, short) answer to why we don't "just" adopt already.


Disclaimer: I do not know the mind of God, so don't be mad if I publish this post and two days later He tells us to pursue adoption.  I will gladly eat my words if that means we get to finally add a baby to our family. ;)

One Year Ago Today...

I've been composing this post in my head for over two weeks now.  I've written down drafts and then left them unpublished - how do you put into words the intense range of emotions that accompanies an anniversary of loss?  How do I stay real in this space without becoming too depressing and dark?  How do I honor our little one and our loss and yet still provide hope, encouragement, and glory to God? 

I was going to share a glimpse of the bitterness and anger that I've been going through.  The sense of emptiness and confusion - the "why her and not me?" that comes with every pregnancy announcement (of which there has been an abundance this holiday season).  I thought maybe I'd talk about the guilt of just wishing Christmas was over so you don't have to put on a fake smile anymore and things can just get back to "normal".

But if you're in this boat, you don't need a reminder.

You know what it feels like.

And you know how easy it is to give in to all these negative feelings.  We don't need to give them any more airtime...

they've had enough already.

So today I forced myself to make a list of the positives.  On this anniversary of loss, I'm choosing to dig deep and remember what I have to be thankful for.  This year was hard, but God gave us many blessings too.  I don't want to end this year on a low note.  I don't want Satan to take that from me too.  So here is a short list of gifts that I am thankful for this year:

- I'm thankful for all the ways Doad and I grew closer and stronger in our marriage.  These losses could have torn us apart, but by God's grace, they made our marriage stronger.  He is my best friend and I am so fortunate to have him to lean on through this journey.

- I am thankful for my church family who is always kind, loving, and supportive.

- I'm thankful for our trip to Cancun and the time we got to spend in each other's company relaxing and exploring and taking a much-needed vacation.

- I'm also thankful for all the other places we got to travel to together this year: New Jersey, Orlando, Massachusetts.

- I am thankful to no longer be in a stressful job and to instead be pursing a career that fills me with purpose and happiness.  I love what I am doing right now and am excited about the future in health-coaching and with essential oils.

- I'm thankful for Lacey and what a good companion and comfort she is.  She is such a good cuddler and so loyal.  She knows how to make us feel better and she brings so much joy to our home.

- I am thankful for dear friends and family who care enough about us to go through the ugly stuff with us.  They know when we need tough love and when we need a shoulder to cry on.  They have borne the brunt of bad attitudes and still love us.  They keep us accountable.  They pray for us.  They LOVE us.

- I am thankful for how we grew in Christ.  There has been a lot of questioning and hard lessons from God, but I am grateful that our faith is not stagnant and stale.  We are being stretched and tested.  We are learning about the Holy Spirit and his activity in our daily lives. We are learning to let go and to simplify.  We are learning to trust beyond what we though we were capable of and we are clinging to hope with all we've got.

So there's a list... and I am thankful.

And I do mean it... but... it feels fake.

I can't end this post here all pretty and resolved and let you think it's as simple as that.  I want you to see the battle here.  I want you to see that it took over an hour to write that list - that I'm fighting not to give in to the negativity.

This isn't easy.

The flesh in me wants to look at this list and say "That's not good enough."

I wanted a baby this year too.

Instead I lost not one, but two babies.

And all these months later, I still have no answers.  I wish I had more to share with you, but this is all I know:

Somehow

Someway

God is still good.

He is near to the brokenhearted.

He offers comfort, and peace, and hope.

His grace is sufficient for us, and his power is made perfect in our weakness.

He is the giver of life.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

He loves with an everlasting love and his faithfulness towards us continues.

O sister, sweet friend, dear one in the thick of this battle with me,  be encouraged!  Let your heart be open to the comfort of His Word.  It may sting as it goes down, but hidden in these promises is the only place I can find rest right now.  I pray the same for you.

This is the fight.

To go back to what we know, to cling to the promises of God.  To choose to dwell on the hope and the peace that He offers and not the death and despair of the world.  Fight with me.  Hope with me as the new year comes.

Health Update #5 (Fertility Test Results)

Health Update #4

I don't have tons to update today, but I wanted to let you all know that the HSG test went pretty well.  Thanks for praying with me.  :)

Our follow-up isn't scheduled until the beginning of August, so I can't say for sure, but I feel pretty confident that there are no blockages.  Praise the Lord!  I got to watch the x-ray screen as the dye flowed and it definitely went all the way to the end of my tubes, so at the very least, there are no complete blockages.

The experience in and of itself was also not as terrible as I was anticipating.  Check-in lady was r.u.d.e. and made me want to cry (and maybe I did... a little) but the doctor and nurse actually doing the procedure were very competent and quick and soon it was all over.

I also felt no pain which seemed like a miracle to me.  Every single person I talked to told me to make sure I took some medicine for the pain and that there might be some mild cramping or bleeding.  One lady even told me that she could feel all the dye going in because it burned.  Scary!  (I'm thinking now maybe she had an allergy or sensitivity to the dye.)

On any account, the procedure was painless for me and I attribute that highly to all the prayers that my family and friends were offering up on my behalf.  Thank you!

The next step for me is to get some blood work done and then go to my follow-up in August so we can piece all the test results together and see what our options are.  Hopefully, I will have some more positive news to post soon.

Health Update #3

Last week I shared a little bit about how I have been doing emotionally.  This week I'd like to share how I have been doing physically.  

PCOS - This is basically no longer an issue for me.  The clean eating that I've been doing and possibly my use of essential oils and herbs have helped my hormones to balance.  I don't currently present any symptoms of PCOS anymore! :)

MTHFR - The supplements I was taking to help my body methylate and detox properly also worked and I have been able to slowly wean off of those supplements as my body learns to methylate better on its own.  

My one concern in this area is that my folate levels might have dropped again.  The Methotrexate that I had to take for my ectopic is a folate inhibitor and I was not allowed to eat anything with folate in it while on the medicine so that it wouldn't interfere with the treatment.  

I have been eating greens every day since I got the all clear and am taking a prenatal with folate in it as well, so hopefully this does not become an issue.  I've been told that I should wait for three months before trying to get pregnant again though to be sure that I have sufficient folate to make a healthy baby.  For us, this means no trying until September.  :/  That seems really far away to me right now.

Acupuncture - This is still a regular part of my fertility support although lately it has mostly been emotional support for me.  My body feels healthy and strong for the most part and my acupuncturist agrees with me.  

The area where I am weak right now is my emotions.  Rada has played a huge role in helping me through my grief for both of my miscarriages and I owe a huge debt of gratitude to her for that.  

Testing -  We have also added a new "character" to our fertility story.  After having an ectopic pregnancy we decided that it was time to get some testing done and really dig deep into our reproductive health.  I want to make sure that we do everything we can to prevent another pregnancy loss.  We have begun to see a doctor at Shady Grove Fertility Center and had our first appointment this past week.  

We have several tests scheduled for the next month that will hopefully show us if there are any other reasons why pregnancy has been such a struggle for us.

Please pray for us that these test would come back favorably.  The main test that is causing me anxiety is called an HSG test.  They will put dye in my uterus and tubes so that they can see if there are any blockages that could cause infertility or another ectopic.  I am worried that there is scar tissue from a surgery I had in 2011 that has damaged my tubes.  It would explain why I had an ectopic pregnancy, but it would also mean that my odds of needing IVF to get pregnant are increased.  

I really don't want to do IVF.

I want to get pregnant naturally.  In my home.  With my husband.  And not in a sterile doctors office with nurses and doctors and needles and syringes and $5000 of fertility medicine and synthetic hormones.... 

If it comes to that, it comes to that.  And I will probably process that here on the blog too.  But today, I'm just saying that I really, really don't want to have to process that.  I don't want that to have to be an option.  

So I'm NOT looking forward to these tests because I am nervous about finding out more bad news and I AM looking forward to them because it means we will have a better understanding of what our options are and be that much closer to our Someday Baby.  

Oh, the conflicting emotions.  

Thank you all for reading and virtually sharing this crazy roller coaster ride with me.  I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement.  I hope none of you ever have to ride this ride yourselves, but if you do, know that I will be there for you cheering you on and supporting you every second.

PS.  This is random, but I'm planning on changing my blog design soon!  Just wanted to give you all a head's up so you don't think you're lost next time you visit this space. ;)

Processing Loss

I feel like blogging today, but I am drawing a blank on what to write about.  Lately, most of my posts have been about our health/fertility journey and pregnancy loss.  I was hoping to be struck with some divine words of wisdom to inspire and encourage others who may be going through a similar chapter in their life right now, but to be honest, maybe I'm the one who needs to read a post like that today.  I'm still in the trenches too.  I'm definitely not standing on the other side yet, ready to tell you that it's hard, but you can make it through.  I'm still figuring out how to make it through too.   

So maybe instead, I can just provide some solidarity by sharing where I "am" right now on this journey.  It's been a little over a month since our second sweet little babe's life ended.  Thirty-eight days exactly since we learned that we wouldn't get to meet this one either.  The shock has worn off, but the pain has only slightly diminished.  

We went back to church for the first time last week.  On Father's Day.  It was our week to serve in children's ministry, so we spent our first Sunday back since losing our baby surrounded by other people's babies and young children.  Not my ideal return to church, but I was actually kind of thankful to avoid the crowds and found it slightly therapeutic to cuddle some chubby tots and kiss their soft little heads.  

I'm struggling to talk to God about this loss.  I really wrestled with Him the first time.  I told Him that I was mad at Him, that I felt like He didn't do anything to help us, and asked Him how I was supposed to trust Him when I felt so let down by Him.  He met with me during that time.  He comforted me.  He showed me many ways that He had taken care of me and fought for me.  I felt my faith in Him renewed and that was a big part of my healing. 

This time... this time I don't know how I feel.  I obviously still believe that everything He showed me and spoke to me the first time is true.  I've seen His hand helping us through this past month and felt his comfort through our friends and family.  But I'm still upset.  I still can't believe this happened again.  I'm afraid of how many times He's going to ask me to go through this kind of loss.  I'm tired of waiting and trying and hoping.  I want to skip ahead and know for sure how this is all going to play out.  

I know I'm not going to get straight answers like that though, so I think instead of asking and talking to God about it and risking more disappointment I've just been avoiding having any type of conversation with God at all.  I know He's there and I can acknowledge His sovereignty and faithfulness, I've even found comfort in several Bible verses, but I haven't gone any further than that.  

Maybe subconsciously I'm not ready to move into the next phase of grieving either so I'm just holding onto it instead of taking it to Him.  This grief is heavy and cold and dark, but it also feels safe and comfortable and familiar now.  I don't know if I'm ready to heal.  I don't want to move on.  

One of the things I hate most about all of this is the lack of control.  Nothing in the past two years of trying to get pregnant has gone the way that I hoped it would.  Nothing.  I know that control is just an illusion anyway, but it's hard not to fight that.  It's hard not to want to feel like you have some say in what happens in your life.  I think that God is trying to teach me to just sit back and trust Him to keep me safe on this ride... and I'm rebelling hard against that.  I want to tell Him how to author my story and I'm mad that He hasn't taken my "advice".  I'm sure that the sooner I accept all this the better it will be for me - man, too bad I'm a stubborn hard-head.  

So that's where I am today.  Still working this all out.  Still processing.  Still working up the courage to journal again and be honest with God and let Him back in.  I'd love to hear from you, friends.  Leave me a comment and tell me how you're doing.  Or share a verse with me that has helped you through the difficulties in your life.  

When the Unthinkable Happens... Again

Saturday, May 2: Doad and I set off for a fun-filled vacation to Cancun for 8 days.  

Saturday, May 9: The day before we fly home.  A very happy day and an answer to prayer.  

Tuesday, May 12: I start spotting.  I try to keep my cool and not get stressed.  This pregnancy feel so much different than the last one.  I don't have the terrible, foreboding feeling that I did before. I feel happy and hopeful.

Monday, May 18: Still spotting so I call the doc and ask if they can run some blood tests just to ease my mind. HCG = 2224

Wednesday, May 20: HCG = 2894  It should have almost doubled within the two days so the doc calls for an internal ultrasound to rule out any complications.  I prepare to see our baby for the first time and am actually looking forward to the appointment.  I feel calm and fairly confident that our baby is healthy and all our fears will be put to ease at our ultrasound on Friday.

Friday, May 22: We arrive at the office on time, only to be told that our appointment was accidentally scheduled at a second location 30 minutes away.  We rush to the second location and they manage to squeeze us in.  I'm now feeling stressed and frazzled, but try to remind myself that we are about to see our baby.  They turn on the screen and my heart jumps - is that little circle our baby?  The nurse and tech look at each other and the nurse immediately calls for the doctor - that was weird.  Doctor comes in and starts looking over the screen with the tech.  I ask if they can see my baby and they brush me off.  Doad squeezes my hand tight.  My heart starts to pound - something is wrong.  The baby is growing in my right tube.  The pregnancy is ectopic.  Not viable.  Over.

I shatter.  Start crying.  Is this really happening?  Another loss.  Again?  


Why?


The doctor asks if this is my first pregnancy and I tell her that I miscarried just four and a half months ago.  She tells me that she is sorry and this is really unlucky.  I know she's trying to sympathize, but it sounds so unfeeling in that moment.  I want her to fix it, tell me there's hope, something that can be done.  Instead she tells me that I have three options: 1) I can take a low dose of chemo to dissolve the pregnancy 2) I can have surgery to remove the pregnancy and my tube 3) I can wait until my tube ruptures and have emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding and have my tube removed.  

I want someone else to make the decision for me.  How can I choose to end something that I have wanted and prayed for for so long?  I feel like I am betraying the life inside of me.  If there had been any way to save the pregnancy, I would not have hesitated to take the risk.  Nothing can be done though, so I choose the medicine.  I'm sorry, baby.  Please forgive me.

The day is long.  From the doctor's office we go to the hospital for a qualifying blood test - STAT.  Doad eats.  I can't.  Then to the outpatient infusion center for the treatment.   I almost pass out on my way to the car.  What have I done?  Please tell me this is a nightmare.  

At home, we collapse into bed.  We are in shock.  Trying to process.  Just this morning I was preparing to see our baby - happy, healthy, growing.  Now, hours later, I am no longer pregnant.  Empty.  Shell-shocked.  Broken.  The grief is unexplainable.  So thick, so heavy, so dark.  How many more times is this going to happen?

God uses our friends and family to surround us and help us muddle through the long weekend and the week following.  They send us prayers and encouraging verses.  They pray for us.  They bring us a meal - every day.  

Slowly, I make my way through the process of grieving.  I no longer wake up crying every morning.  Most nights I can fall asleep without tears.   But the road is long and lonely.  No one can do your mourning for you.  Some days it's two steps forward and one step back.  And some days it's two steps forward and two steps back. I think today might be a one step back kind of day - but it's hard to tell.  

This is my story today.  I'm not going to lie, I don't like this part of the story.  But it is my story and whether I like this part or not, I have to believe that God is doing something through this sad, hard thing.  Please pray with me, friends.  Help me hold out for the happy ending.

Lamentations 3:20-24 (ESV)

My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.  But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

Health Update #2

I've been struggling to write this post for a while now and finally just decided not to write it at all and to vlog about it instead.  As you can see in the video, it was still hard to get out, so I apologize for the immense awkwardness you're about to watch. 





Please keep us in your prayers, friends.  We are trusting God and waiting expectantly for His plans for us to unfold.  

PS.  I'm serious about wanting to be there for others.  If you're going through a similar situation (or not but you just need a friend, that's ok too!) and would like someone to talk to, I'm here.  Contact me through any of my social media buttons at the top right of this page or leave me a comment and I'll be in touch.  :)