Tuesday, June 21, 2016

In case you need to ugly cry today...

This short movie brought me to tears today and I thought I'd share it with you.  I know not every story ends this way and I don't mean to instill false hope.  But I do know that God writes good stories.

No matter how crappy the chapter you're in seems right now, we can trust our Good Father to redeem it.  He heals, He provides, He comforts, He loves, and He is good.  Be encouraged, friends.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Number 3

It happened again.  You were here and gone in the blink of an eye.  Two pink lines one day, and an empty womb just a week later.

I barely had time to be excited.

Your dad was excited though.  He loved you immediately and began making plans for your arrival - you were due 2 days after his birthday.  I think he loved that.

Every night that week he would pray over my belly and thank God for you.  We prayed that you would be strong and healthy.  That you were growing and in just the right spot.  Even after I began bleeding, we prayed for a miracle, we hoped against hope.

We fought so hard for you, baby.  I want you to know that.

Though I fell instantly in love with you the moment I saw even the shadow of a second line, I felt a lot of fear this time.  I prayed for God's help to be strong no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy was.  But still I felt fear.  Fear of the heartbreak, fear of yet another loss.

But fear or no fear, it hurts just as much.  It sucks just as much.  I miss you just as much.

Sometimes I feel really guilty.  Is my body just rebelling against being pregnant? How can it be so hard to get pregnant AND so hard to stay pregnant?  It's frustrating to try so hard and to get so close, but still not succeed.

The journey through grief is just as confusing and unpredictable the third time through as it was the first.  I will never get used to this.

But I won't give up either.

I know God has a plan in all of this.  Some days that's comforting, some days it makes me really angry that this could be a part of God's plan.

We miss you, baby.  We love you and can't wait to be with you again someday.

Romans 15:13 
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

2016 Goals Recap - April

Hey dreamers! Here is the latest update on my goals for 2016.  Hope you enjoy watching!

Click here to read more about 7 experiment.  And click here for the link to my newsletter. I am excited to be sharing with you some of what I have been learning in school this year!  

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Why Don't We "Just" Adopt??

If I had a dollar for every time someone told us the story about a "friend" they knew who was struggling to get pregnant, decided to adopt, and then got pregnant right after that.... well.... then maybe we'd actually be able to afford an adoption.

This is one of the most common "suggestions" or "comforting encouragements" I have heard while going through our fertility journey lately.  I know it's meant well, but it sure does make me want to punch someone in the face.

It is so much more complicated that "just" adopting.  It's not like we can go pick out a baby to adopt tomorrow and that's that.

Also, I would never adopt just so that I could somehow magically get pregnant - as if that were the formula for ending infertility.

Lastly, if Doad and I are not feeling God's call to pursue adoption, it would be just as unfruitful (pardon the pun) to go down that road.  We have to do what we feel led to do, and while adoption is a dream of ours in the future, neither of us feel that God is leading us to that option at the moment.

This post is a little bit sassy, because I've run out of patience for answering this question.  But for the sake of transparency, I want to share it anyway.  Doad and I have been very open about our journey for several reasons: 1) Your prayers and support have meant the world to us as we walk through this season of waiting and losses, that wouldn't have been as available to us if we had not shared 2) We hope to bring purpose to our struggle by being a source of comfort, encouragement, and solidarity to others in similar situations and 3) God deserves glory, no matter what the circumstances.  As we struggle and wrestle through this we want to share the goodness of God in our dark moments, His faithfulness in our weak moments, and His unending love, even when we can't see the full picture.

So I share this with you so that you can better understand why we've not chosen to pursue adoption yet.  So that you can better know how to pray for us as we make tough choices like this.  So that you can be better equipped to provide comfort to other couples who are maybe making the same tough decision.  And so you can stop telling that story already.  Coming from this fertility-challenged mama, it's just not helpful... for me anyway.

So there you have it, a short (yes, short) answer to why we don't "just" adopt already.

Disclaimer: I do not know the mind of God, so don't be mad if I publish this post and two days later He tells us to pursue adoption.  I will gladly eat my words if that means we get to finally add a baby to our family. ;)