Peace

Philippians 4:6-7 has been bringing me comfort through this agonizingly long two weeks.  Today, I'm breaking it down and applying it to myself personally.

do not be anxious about anything,
Anything:
- Whether or not the treatment worked
- Whether or not I'm pregnant
- Whether or not I'll miscarry again if I am pregnant
- How freaking long it's taking to get to Monday, the 21st.
- What I'm going to say to all the people who have been praying for us if this didn't work

but in everything
Everything:
- Every day
- Every time you think of it
- Every time you're tempted to worry or be anxious
- Happy or sad
- Hopeful or sure it didn't work

 by prayer and supplications
Not by whining or complaining about it
Not by eating your feelings
Not by sleeping away my life until the 21st is here
Not by talking to everyone else BUT God about it
By PRAYING and running to Jesus

with thanksgiving
There are so many things to be thankful about since starting the treatments.  I had a lot of difficulty even getting this train on the tracks and was really starting to doubt the competency of the staff (turns out it's just my nurse, yay).  But everyone else at the office has been so nice.  They remember me (and have even started calling me Jess instead of Jessica).  They take the time to answer all my questions.  Surprisingly, my nurse who takes my blood every day is my favorite which is super weird because I hate blood draws (I mean, who likes them). She makes small talk with me and remembers me and is just so nice.  I'm super thankful for the majority of the staff at SGFC.

I'm also so thankful for all the support and prayers we've gotten from family and friends who we've told about the treatments.  I get texts or emails almost every day from people who just want to let us know they're praying for us.  Our support system is amazing.

let your requests be made known to God.
He wants to hear from me.  He is okay with me going to him every day and requesting over and over again that this would work.  God Himself grants me an audience with Him.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding 
Supernatural peace.  Lasting peace.  Better than this world's peace.  Deeper than I can understand or comprehend.

will guard your hearts
My broken, fragile heart.  It's safe in His hands and He can protect me.  Even though my hopes are up - how could they not be - He can help me guard from being totally crushed should the worst happen. I can trust him. I can trust him.  Lord, help me trust you.

and your minds
My stubborn, cynical mind that's been through so much disappointment and loss that it sometimes just thinks there's no other way. That I'm destined to always be disappointed.  Or that loss is around the corner even if something does go the way we hope.  God is guarding that for me too.  He is giving my mind peace and the ability to slowly believe that it will all be okay too.  I will make it through this, no matter what happens. I don't have to fear.

in Christ Jesus. 
My precious Savior.  It all comes back to Him.  How could I doubt His love for me when I remember the pain he suffered for my expense.

Though it will be painful if the answer for us is "no", I take comfort in knowing that He is in control.  My life is in his hands and He is worth this journey if it means we bring more glory to Him.

Now if I could just hold onto that Truth and that feeling for more than a few moments at a time...

Oh Lord, help me.