Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Is it test day yet?

Last night I couldn't sleep and in the middle of that groggy too-sleepy-to-get-up, too-awake-to-fall-asleep place I found myself subconsciously praying (begging, basically) for God to let this treatment work.  For there to be a fertilized egg making its way to my uterus right now to burrow in and stay for the next nine months.  I've never wanted something so badly that I've sleep-prayed for it before.  Everything in me is desperate for this to work and our journey through infertility to be over.

This morning I woke up with a fear that maybe we didn't do enough.  Should we have had sex just one more time to make sure? What if I ovulated later and we missed it? My body has been slow to respond to the initial doses of medication - what if it responded slowly to the Ovidrel and I didn't ovulate until Saturday night or Sunday?

Mostly I know these fears are irrational.  I think my mind is just going crazy because... well, what else is it gonna do during this torturous TWW?

I want to trust God.  I want to have peace and not stress out about this, but it's really hard.  The suspense is killing me.  I just keep praying over and over again that this will be what works.  That God will hear us and answer us.  That He will finally fulfill this desire that he's given both of us to be parents.

This verse brings me momentary comfort.  I'm trying to meditate on it throughout the day, but the thoughts of worry and impatience insist on pushing through with brute force.  It's a constant battle.  I want to be hopeful and confident and full of faith.  But the weak, scared part of me wants to prepare myself for the worst, to be doubtful, skeptical, and sure that it didn't work.  As if that will somehow make the potential bad news easier to bear.

You would think that by now I should be an expert in waiting.  Ha!

When we were first married and Doad traveled a lot, we'd talk on the phone every night.  We'd end our calls by saying "Let's go to sleep and make time fly" because as long as the day may have been, time always seemed to pass by quicker while we were sleeping.  We would wake up one day closer to seeing each other again.

Well, let me just tell you.  It has been really tempting to try and just sleep these two weeks away.

I know a positive test doesn't mean that we're in the clear.  But it sure would be a good start.

Dear Monday, can you get here soon, please?  And can you bring me some incredible news?

No comments: