Negative

Peace

Philippians 4:6-7 has been bringing me comfort through this agonizingly long two weeks.  Today, I'm breaking it down and applying it to myself personally.

do not be anxious about anything,
Anything:
- Whether or not the treatment worked
- Whether or not I'm pregnant
- Whether or not I'll miscarry again if I am pregnant
- How freaking long it's taking to get to Monday, the 21st.
- What I'm going to say to all the people who have been praying for us if this didn't work

but in everything
Everything:
- Every day
- Every time you think of it
- Every time you're tempted to worry or be anxious
- Happy or sad
- Hopeful or sure it didn't work

 by prayer and supplications
Not by whining or complaining about it
Not by eating your feelings
Not by sleeping away my life until the 21st is here
Not by talking to everyone else BUT God about it
By PRAYING and running to Jesus

with thanksgiving
There are so many things to be thankful about since starting the treatments.  I had a lot of difficulty even getting this train on the tracks and was really starting to doubt the competency of the staff (turns out it's just my nurse, yay).  But everyone else at the office has been so nice.  They remember me (and have even started calling me Jess instead of Jessica).  They take the time to answer all my questions.  Surprisingly, my nurse who takes my blood every day is my favorite which is super weird because I hate blood draws (I mean, who likes them). She makes small talk with me and remembers me and is just so nice.  I'm super thankful for the majority of the staff at SGFC.

I'm also so thankful for all the support and prayers we've gotten from family and friends who we've told about the treatments.  I get texts or emails almost every day from people who just want to let us know they're praying for us.  Our support system is amazing.

let your requests be made known to God.
He wants to hear from me.  He is okay with me going to him every day and requesting over and over again that this would work.  God Himself grants me an audience with Him.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding 
Supernatural peace.  Lasting peace.  Better than this world's peace.  Deeper than I can understand or comprehend.

will guard your hearts
My broken, fragile heart.  It's safe in His hands and He can protect me.  Even though my hopes are up - how could they not be - He can help me guard from being totally crushed should the worst happen. I can trust him. I can trust him.  Lord, help me trust you.

and your minds
My stubborn, cynical mind that's been through so much disappointment and loss that it sometimes just thinks there's no other way. That I'm destined to always be disappointed.  Or that loss is around the corner even if something does go the way we hope.  God is guarding that for me too.  He is giving my mind peace and the ability to slowly believe that it will all be okay too.  I will make it through this, no matter what happens. I don't have to fear.

in Christ Jesus. 
My precious Savior.  It all comes back to Him.  How could I doubt His love for me when I remember the pain he suffered for my expense.

Though it will be painful if the answer for us is "no", I take comfort in knowing that He is in control.  My life is in his hands and He is worth this journey if it means we bring more glory to Him.

Now if I could just hold onto that Truth and that feeling for more than a few moments at a time...

Oh Lord, help me.

Is it test day yet?

Last night I couldn't sleep and in the middle of that groggy too-sleepy-to-get-up, too-awake-to-fall-asleep place I found myself subconsciously praying (begging, basically) for God to let this treatment work.  For there to be a fertilized egg making its way to my uterus right now to burrow in and stay for the next nine months.  I've never wanted something so badly that I've sleep-prayed for it before.  Everything in me is desperate for this to work and our journey through infertility to be over.

This morning I woke up with a fear that maybe we didn't do enough.  Should we have had sex just one more time to make sure? What if I ovulated later and we missed it? My body has been slow to respond to the initial doses of medication - what if it responded slowly to the Ovidrel and I didn't ovulate until Saturday night or Sunday?

Mostly I know these fears are irrational.  I think my mind is just going crazy because... well, what else is it gonna do during this torturous TWW?

I want to trust God.  I want to have peace and not stress out about this, but it's really hard.  The suspense is killing me.  I just keep praying over and over again that this will be what works.  That God will hear us and answer us.  That He will finally fulfill this desire that he's given both of us to be parents.

This verse brings me momentary comfort.  I'm trying to meditate on it throughout the day, but the thoughts of worry and impatience insist on pushing through with brute force.  It's a constant battle.  I want to be hopeful and confident and full of faith.  But the weak, scared part of me wants to prepare myself for the worst, to be doubtful, skeptical, and sure that it didn't work.  As if that will somehow make the potential bad news easier to bear.

You would think that by now I should be an expert in waiting.  Ha!

When we were first married and Doad traveled a lot, we'd talk on the phone every night.  We'd end our calls by saying "Let's go to sleep and make time fly" because as long as the day may have been, time always seemed to pass by quicker while we were sleeping.  We would wake up one day closer to seeing each other again.

Well, let me just tell you.  It has been really tempting to try and just sleep these two weeks away.

I know a positive test doesn't mean that we're in the clear.  But it sure would be a good start.

Dear Monday, can you get here soon, please?  And can you bring me some incredible news?

Trigger Shot/Health Update #7

Picking up from the last post:

Thursday, October 27th: Restarted the Letrazole at double the original dose (2.5 increaded to 5). Take for five days (until Monday).

Tuesday, November 1st: One egg on right ovary  (14mm).  One egg on left ovary (13mm).  Not quite ready for ovulation (needs to be between 18-20).

Thursday, November 3rd: Right egg = 17mm. Left egg = 19!! Ready for ovulation!  Time for trigger shot and lots of lovin' over the weekend.

I felt super weird about giving myself the shot, so hubby did it for me.  I'm glad he did because he did it so gently and slowly so that it wouldn't burn.  I think it also made him feel more involved in the process which is nice for both of us.

I also wanted YOU to feel involved in this process too - our family and friends have been an amazing support to us as we walk through this journey of infertility.  We are starting a new chapter called "Fertility Treatment" and you all have fallen right in stride with us as we turn this corner.  There's only so much you can do, but I thought you'd like an insiders view on the "real story" of fertility treatment.  So... here's a silly (unedited) video of Doad giving me our first trigger shot.





And now we wait.  Two agonizingly long weeks until we can get a pregnancy test done to see if it worked and if our baby is finally on his or her way to us.  Pray with us?

Fertility Journey Update/Health Update #6

Oh man, it's been a while since I've done one of these.  I tried to keep it short-ish (it was originally 18 minutes long, yikes!)  There's a lot to cover though, so I apologize for the length.

Hopefully it all makes sense, but as always - if it doesn't, please ask!

 

In case you want the abbreviated version without watching the whole video, here's a brief timeline:

September 2015: Finished all of our testing and had no huge issues.  Decided to just keep trying naturally for a while.

February 2016: Started thinking about IVF or adoption. Got pregnant.  Miscarried.  No idea what to do next.

May/June 2016: Went back to fertility doctor for testing since it had been almost a year.  No big changes with Doad.  Jess = crazy thyroid antibody levels, PCOS diagnosis.  Learned of Ovulation Induction protocol option.

Summer 2016: Removed several foods from diet that were triggering thyroid antibody elevation.  Started Ovasitol supplement for PCOS.  Decided to try naturally until October and then do Ovulation Induction (OI) if we weren't pregnant by then.

October 2016: Not pregnant.  Started OI.  Not responding to current dosage of Letrazole (to promote egg growth).  Will most likely start again at a higher dose.


More updates to come!

November 2016 Goals Update

It's definitely time for a goals update.  I've missed this little outlet and have lots to update you on.  To start with, let's talk about 2016 goals:

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More to come soon!  What have you all been up to lately? Leave me a comment and tell me what's new!