Friday, July 31, 2015

Lucky VS. Blessed

I won a car the other day.

The total value of the prize was a little under $50,000.  I was really excited.  (Don't worry, it was legit.)

Then I found out that I couldn't be eligible for the prize because Maryland has stupid rules about how a sweepstakes can and cannot be run in the state.  From extreme excitement to extreme disappointment in a couple of days. Way to go, Maryland.

Obviously, this is a first world problem.  Doad and I already have cars, three to be exact.  Technically, we have more than we need.  I don't take that for granted.

But I have been thinking a lot about why this happened.  I entered this sweepstakes accidentally.  I would never have known about it if I hadn't won.  If I just hadn't won or hadn't accidentally entered I wouldn't have experienced the disappointment of almost $50,000 slipping through my fingers.  What was the point of all that?

Maybe there is no point, but I think maybe Satan is trying to lure me into a place of discontentment.  

It's hard not to plan and dream about what I would do with an extra pile of cash in your hands - I started making purchases in my mind and feeling that sense of security that more money seems to give.  And then it didn't happen that way,  and it's tempting to feel a sense of loss - even though I haven't really lost anything at all. 

It's a silly, frustrating situation. I don't understand it.  I'm disappointed, but I'm trying not to get all bent out of shape about it.  It was a prize - I'm not entitled to it, and I am content with what I have.  I could surely have put it to good use, but I don't need more.  I have been blessed with so much already.  

So that's what I've been trying to focus on, the good things that are in my life already.  I don't want to miss out on the MANY blessings in my life right now because I'm pouting about ONE blessing that I don't have.  

In this context, an attitude of gratefulness isn't too hard to grasp and embrace.  It becomes difficult for me though, when I transfer this logic to our fertility story.  I want that blessing of a baby (so much!), and while I do believe that someday, somehow I will receive that blessing - it's really easy to miss out on all the richness in my life right now and only focus on the loss.  It's easy to cultivate that discontentment and wish the days away until that baby we are dreaming of and praying for is in our arms. 

But if I don't fight for contentment now and learn to live in these moments, our baby is going to come and I'm going to find something else to be discontent about and miss those moments too.  

I don't know if this is the lesson I was meant to learn in all of this, but as I climb into my 16 year old car with the AC that doesn't work right and the window that doesn't roll down anymore, I'm going to be really tempted to wish it was a 2016 BMW instead.  I can't change my circumstances, but I can change my attitude.  I want to spend my days soaking up the moments with joy and thankfulness, not wishing them away for better days that may or may not come.  

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