Monday, November 10, 2014

On Wanting to Be a SAHM

I'm not sure how to start this post today.  I've been meaning to write it all week, but just haven't been able to figure out how.  

I guess I feel silly because the truth is, even though I've only been a nanny for about a month and a half... I want to quit my job already.

It's not that I don't like my job.  I just don't want to be working.  My goal has always been to be a stay-at-home mom.  I'm not career driven at all and I'm ok with that.  The "plan" was to work a few years until I got pregnant and then stay home to raise our children.  I'm really looking forward to doing that.

After we bought our house, I really felt the clock start ticking.  I told myself I could stick it out for another year or so at my job and really I was ok with that.  There was an end in sight and that somehow made it bearable.  

But now, there's not really an end anymore.  Who knows how long it will take us to get pregnant?  It could be this month, or it could be in five years (Oh God, I hope not!)

For some reason, not knowing even a general timeline of when I will be able to be a SAHM has really made work difficult for me.  It doesn't feel like a temporary thing anymore.

These feelings have really magnified this week as I've gotten a taste of stay-at-home life.  I actually enjoyed my chores this week.  I had the energy to do dishes and laundry instead of feeling too exhausted to do them when I got home from work.  I had time to vacuum and get groceries during the day so I could just spend the evenings with Doad instead of running errands.  I even got around to finally making more mayonnaise and butter and learning to make yogurt - things we need but just didn't make the priority list until this week off.  

I know that staying at home will look much differently when there are babies and kids involved, but I'm just at this point where I'd much rather take care of my home without a paycheck than be paid to watch someone else's kids and wash their dishes and clothes.  

I just really enjoyed having dinner ready when my husband came home this week.  I loved that we could both relax after work in a (mostly) clean home and not have to worry about chores - if something needed done I could do it in the morning.  I loved how happy I was - things that normally stress me out or make me upset I could laugh at this week.  I just wasn't wound up so tight.  And I wasn't carrying around this guilt about not being a good enough house wife because I actually had time/energy to get the basics done every day, and then some.  I don't know if anyone else noticed a difference in my attitude, but I felt it.  

So now I'm really struggling with thinking about going back to work tomorrow.  I miss the kids and am looking forward to seeing them again and hearing about their vacation.  But if I'm being honest, I really would rather just stay home and wash the windows, clean the kitchen, and maybe make some more yogurt.  

Just call me Suzie Homemaker.  Lol....

Anyways... this post isn't meant to be a downer.  Just some honest thoughts about how I'm feeling lately, especially since I've decided to share about our pregnancy struggles on the blog.  This is a part of the struggle that I hadn't really anticipated and I'm finding it hard to be patient while I figure out how to deal with it.  

Thanks for letting me vent a little today and get some heavy stuff off my chest.  I will be posting some unboxing vlogs soon that should be much lighter in subject content.  :)    

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