I barely had time to be excited.
Your dad was excited though. He loved you immediately and began making plans for your arrival - you were due 2 days after his birthday. I think he loved that.
Every night that week he would pray over my belly and thank God for you. We prayed that you would be strong and healthy. That you were growing and in just the right spot. Even after I began bleeding, we prayed for a miracle, we hoped against hope.
We fought so hard for you, baby. I want you to know that.
Though I fell instantly in love with you the moment I saw even the shadow of a second line, I felt a lot of fear this time. I prayed for God's help to be strong no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy was. But still I felt fear. Fear of the heartbreak, fear of yet another loss.
But fear or no fear, it hurts just as much. It sucks just as much. I miss you just as much.
Sometimes I feel really guilty. Is my body just rebelling against being pregnant? How can it be so hard to get pregnant AND so hard to stay pregnant? It's frustrating to try so hard and to get so close, but still not succeed.
The journey through grief is just as confusing and unpredictable the third time through as it was the first. I will never get used to this.
But I won't give up either.
I know God has a plan in all of this. Some days that's comforting, some days it makes me really angry that this could be a part of God's plan.
We miss you, baby. We love you and can't wait to be with you again someday.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
