How it's Been Going

Random thoughts from the past couple of weeks:

Day 1: I wish I could say this day has been exciting - we're finally starting IVF! Unfortunately, it's mostly been stressful.  You can read about that in this post. BUT, I am happy that in the end, everything seems to be working out and we are hopefully on our way to meeting our baby!

Day 2: The first round of shots last night was no fun.  I still feel pretty weird about putting all these fake hormones into my body.  I've refrained from reading the inserts on the medications (something I usually do) because we have already spent thousands of dollars on this process and I'm not about to back out now.  Reading about all the junk in these shots and the side effects I could have is only going to cause even more anxiety at this point. 

Still, I feel pretty gross about this part of IVF.  I wish there was another way.

Day 3: Last night wasn't any easier.  The second shot really burns as it goes in and both times I've felt like passing out halfway through the injection.  Tonight we're going to try icing the injection area with a frozen spoon and doing the shot while I'm laying down on the bed.  Maybe that will help.

I'm feeling a little self-conscious about how much these are hurting me.  I get my blood drawn ALL the time and handle that fine.  I've had shots before and have hardly flinched.  Is it just all in my head?

Doad said he thought I was thinking about it too much and working myself up.  He told me I should stop focusing on the shot while it's happening and try and think of something else that makes me happy.  I know he's trying to be helpful, but I'm feeling super sensitive about it.  I feel like he thinks I'm not doing a good job or that he could do it better.  I wish I were tougher.  I'm not trying to act like a baby, but I feel like that's what it looks like.

Day 4: This morning was appointment #2.  Blood work and ultrasound every day.  Mom came with me this time because Doad had a work meeting he couldn't miss.  We had a nice brunch date afterward which we don't get to do often.  Aha! So there are perks to IVF ;)

Getting my shots on the bed instead of standing up isn't any less painful, but I did feel less like passing out so I think its working better for us.  

I'm feeling quite large and sore in the midsection.  The nurse said that was normal - I have 50 follicles growing compared to the usual one each month.  I've also had headaches and fatigue each day.  I'm not too concerned as these are all "normal" side effects and apart from them slowing me down a little don't really mind them too much - it means things are working like they should.  :)

This afternoon I'm getting my hair done and tonight I have dinner with some girlfriends.  Hopefully, I'll be having my last glass of wine for a long time. ;) 

My first injections

You know you're going to get the inside scoop with me.  I'm vulnerable and transparent to the point of oversharing at times.  Today might be one of those days... ;)

Doad and I have been documenting our IVF journey for our someday baby so we can show him or her how wanted they were and how hard we fought to bring them into our family.  This video may or may not make it into the "documentary"... we don't want to scar the child after all.  But I thought it might be interesting for those who are following along to see the inside story of what IVF entails.

Here is day 1 & 2 of injections... I got a little better after this lol



So I think the moral of the story is that IVF is not fun, but it is totally worth it.

IVF Meds Unboxing

What it feels like when a giant box of medications show up in your natural/crunchy house... 😂😂😂

IVF Chapter One: The Beginning

And so it begins.

Last night was my first night of injections for IVF.  It has been a long road to get here and I know this is just the beginning.

pc: SassyCatBoutiqueUS

Nothing about this process has been simple or easy.  I can't tell you how many times we have thought we weren't going to be able to do IVF only to find out we could only to find out we couldn't and on and on and on.

First, it was the insurance. They don't approve IVF for couples who haven't done IUI yet.  So we needed special approval - which thankfully we got after several weeks of waiting due to our health history and circumstances.

Then it was the medications - will we be able to get them in time now that we've been approved? I called or emailed the office every day the week before my cycle started and still didn't have them by that Friday.

Then my cycle came four days early!  On Saturday! When the regular offices are closed!

Photo by Pim Chu on Unsplash

To say I was freaking out... well, that would be accurate.  After all this time, (and all the work I did to try to keep the nurses on top of things) I was really struggling with frustration that they were not ready for me yet and that not even my body was cooperating with me.

I called a really nice nurse on the weekend line and she reassured me that I could come in on Monday and have my normal nurse work things out for me.

When I came into the office Monday morning, as soon as my nurse took me and Doad back to our room she starts off by telling us that since insurance hasn't approved our meds yet we aren't likely to get them in time to start so we should probably wait until next month.  I told her that when I called on Friday the pharmacy said all they needed was for the doctor's office to call in and they would be able to approve it and send it out the same day.  She seemed very skeptical but said she'd go get the nurse who does authorizations so that she could explain it to me.

Photo by Ken Treloar on Unsplash

As soon as she left I burst into tears.  How could this happen? I called so many times to double check that there was nothing else I needed to do to be ready.  Why did they wait so long to take care of this?

Nurse T came back into the room with the other nurse and saw me crying.  They told me not to cry (that never works FYI) and had some really lame excuses about how this happened.  The main issue is that Nurse D who works with the insurance never told them when my start date got changed from March to February even though that was two weeks ago.  Nurse T and Nurse Z thought they still had a month before I needed my meds.

That's a pretty big mistake since they both found the info in my record and obviously hadn't looked thoroughly through my notes even though I had called or emailed the office every day that past week.  If they had just admitted that they messed up and tried to make it right I don't think I would be so upset about this appointment.

But that's not what happened.  Nurse T started trying to blame me for the mistake by saying if I had called to fill my prescription sooner then I would have been able to tell the office that authorization was needed sooner.  That may be true, but when I called Nurse T specifically on Monday and left her a vm asking what I needed to do next, she never called me back.  And when I emailed her again on Wednesday she told me to call them on Friday to sort out the shipping.

Also, who blames the patient while she's sitting in your office bawling and you and the office have clearly dropped the ball with her?

Somehow through all my tears, I was able to point out that I had left her a voicemail on Monday and an email on Wednesday and Friday and she hadn't said anything about calling the pharmacy until Friday.  She admitted that that was fair and said she'd go talk to the doctor and see what she could do and nurse Z said she'd send the authorization ASAP with "Urgent" at the top.  She offered me a tissue (after I'd been sitting there crying in front of both of them for at least ten minutes) and then left the room.

In the end, I got some loaner meds that I just have to replace with my stash when they get here.  So we are officially started and just waiting on my meds.

By noon yesterday, nurse Z had called to let me know the authorization went through and I could call to fill my rX.

I called the pharmacy THREE times to make sure it would ship last night and be here by today.

Wouldn't you know it, I get a call at 8:30 this morning saying that somehow my meds didn't make it out last night.

I guess shipping had an issue with the order and sent it back to the pharmacy for clarification.  It didn't make it back to shipping before the other orders went out for the night.

Not a big deal since I have enough meds to last me until tomorrow when the meds should hopefully arrive now.  It's just frustrating after everything I went through yesterday.  And after calling them THREE times to make sure nothing like this happened.

I guess it just goes to show you that even this process - though not natural AT ALL is still just as in God's hands to work out the details as natural conception.  I know that on an intellectual level, but sometimes I still feel a little like we're "cheating" by working outside of God's natural design for growing a family.

This week has shown me realistically just how much we need God in this process too.  Again, something I know on an intellectual level, but have begun to grasp on a heart level now.

So I guess I really have to be grateful for how the past couple of days has gone.  It has brought me closer to God and taught me again how to rely on him and trust him in this new circumstance.  Now, let's all pray that I can hold onto this lesson through the ups and downs of the next few weeks. ;)

A Year Ago Today

Wow, haven't been here in a long time!
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Here's a recap of what I've been up to this past year and our plans for 2018!



Thank you again, to those who have patiently waited for this update.  I have missed blogging and vlogging and am excited to be back!

Negative

Peace

Philippians 4:6-7 has been bringing me comfort through this agonizingly long two weeks.  Today, I'm breaking it down and applying it to myself personally.

do not be anxious about anything,
Anything:
- Whether or not the treatment worked
- Whether or not I'm pregnant
- Whether or not I'll miscarry again if I am pregnant
- How freaking long it's taking to get to Monday, the 21st.
- What I'm going to say to all the people who have been praying for us if this didn't work

but in everything
Everything:
- Every day
- Every time you think of it
- Every time you're tempted to worry or be anxious
- Happy or sad
- Hopeful or sure it didn't work

 by prayer and supplications
Not by whining or complaining about it
Not by eating your feelings
Not by sleeping away my life until the 21st is here
Not by talking to everyone else BUT God about it
By PRAYING and running to Jesus

with thanksgiving
There are so many things to be thankful about since starting the treatments.  I had a lot of difficulty even getting this train on the tracks and was really starting to doubt the competency of the staff (turns out it's just my nurse, yay).  But everyone else at the office has been so nice.  They remember me (and have even started calling me Jess instead of Jessica).  They take the time to answer all my questions.  Surprisingly, my nurse who takes my blood every day is my favorite which is super weird because I hate blood draws (I mean, who likes them). She makes small talk with me and remembers me and is just so nice.  I'm super thankful for the majority of the staff at SGFC.

I'm also so thankful for all the support and prayers we've gotten from family and friends who we've told about the treatments.  I get texts or emails almost every day from people who just want to let us know they're praying for us.  Our support system is amazing.

let your requests be made known to God.
He wants to hear from me.  He is okay with me going to him every day and requesting over and over again that this would work.  God Himself grants me an audience with Him.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding 
Supernatural peace.  Lasting peace.  Better than this world's peace.  Deeper than I can understand or comprehend.

will guard your hearts
My broken, fragile heart.  It's safe in His hands and He can protect me.  Even though my hopes are up - how could they not be - He can help me guard from being totally crushed should the worst happen. I can trust him. I can trust him.  Lord, help me trust you.

and your minds
My stubborn, cynical mind that's been through so much disappointment and loss that it sometimes just thinks there's no other way. That I'm destined to always be disappointed.  Or that loss is around the corner even if something does go the way we hope.  God is guarding that for me too.  He is giving my mind peace and the ability to slowly believe that it will all be okay too.  I will make it through this, no matter what happens. I don't have to fear.

in Christ Jesus. 
My precious Savior.  It all comes back to Him.  How could I doubt His love for me when I remember the pain he suffered for my expense.

Though it will be painful if the answer for us is "no", I take comfort in knowing that He is in control.  My life is in his hands and He is worth this journey if it means we bring more glory to Him.

Now if I could just hold onto that Truth and that feeling for more than a few moments at a time...

Oh Lord, help me.

Is it test day yet?

Last night I couldn't sleep and in the middle of that groggy too-sleepy-to-get-up, too-awake-to-fall-asleep place I found myself subconsciously praying (begging, basically) for God to let this treatment work.  For there to be a fertilized egg making its way to my uterus right now to burrow in and stay for the next nine months.  I've never wanted something so badly that I've sleep-prayed for it before.  Everything in me is desperate for this to work and our journey through infertility to be over.

This morning I woke up with a fear that maybe we didn't do enough.  Should we have had sex just one more time to make sure? What if I ovulated later and we missed it? My body has been slow to respond to the initial doses of medication - what if it responded slowly to the Ovidrel and I didn't ovulate until Saturday night or Sunday?

Mostly I know these fears are irrational.  I think my mind is just going crazy because... well, what else is it gonna do during this torturous TWW?

I want to trust God.  I want to have peace and not stress out about this, but it's really hard.  The suspense is killing me.  I just keep praying over and over again that this will be what works.  That God will hear us and answer us.  That He will finally fulfill this desire that he's given both of us to be parents.

This verse brings me momentary comfort.  I'm trying to meditate on it throughout the day, but the thoughts of worry and impatience insist on pushing through with brute force.  It's a constant battle.  I want to be hopeful and confident and full of faith.  But the weak, scared part of me wants to prepare myself for the worst, to be doubtful, skeptical, and sure that it didn't work.  As if that will somehow make the potential bad news easier to bear.

You would think that by now I should be an expert in waiting.  Ha!

When we were first married and Doad traveled a lot, we'd talk on the phone every night.  We'd end our calls by saying "Let's go to sleep and make time fly" because as long as the day may have been, time always seemed to pass by quicker while we were sleeping.  We would wake up one day closer to seeing each other again.

Well, let me just tell you.  It has been really tempting to try and just sleep these two weeks away.

I know a positive test doesn't mean that we're in the clear.  But it sure would be a good start.

Dear Monday, can you get here soon, please?  And can you bring me some incredible news?

Trigger Shot/Health Update #7

Picking up from the last post:

Thursday, October 27th: Restarted the Letrazole at double the original dose (2.5 increaded to 5). Take for five days (until Monday).

Tuesday, November 1st: One egg on right ovary  (14mm).  One egg on left ovary (13mm).  Not quite ready for ovulation (needs to be between 18-20).

Thursday, November 3rd: Right egg = 17mm. Left egg = 19!! Ready for ovulation!  Time for trigger shot and lots of lovin' over the weekend.

I felt super weird about giving myself the shot, so hubby did it for me.  I'm glad he did because he did it so gently and slowly so that it wouldn't burn.  I think it also made him feel more involved in the process which is nice for both of us.

I also wanted YOU to feel involved in this process too - our family and friends have been an amazing support to us as we walk through this journey of infertility.  We are starting a new chapter called "Fertility Treatment" and you all have fallen right in stride with us as we turn this corner.  There's only so much you can do, but I thought you'd like an insiders view on the "real story" of fertility treatment.  So... here's a silly (unedited) video of Doad giving me our first trigger shot.





And now we wait.  Two agonizingly long weeks until we can get a pregnancy test done to see if it worked and if our baby is finally on his or her way to us.  Pray with us?

Fertility Journey Update/Health Update #6

Oh man, it's been a while since I've done one of these.  I tried to keep it short-ish (it was originally 18 minutes long, yikes!)  There's a lot to cover though, so I apologize for the length.

Hopefully it all makes sense, but as always - if it doesn't, please ask!

 

In case you want the abbreviated version without watching the whole video, here's a brief timeline:

September 2015: Finished all of our testing and had no huge issues.  Decided to just keep trying naturally for a while.

February 2016: Started thinking about IVF or adoption. Got pregnant.  Miscarried.  No idea what to do next.

May/June 2016: Went back to fertility doctor for testing since it had been almost a year.  No big changes with Doad.  Jess = crazy thyroid antibody levels, PCOS diagnosis.  Learned of Ovulation Induction protocol option.

Summer 2016: Removed several foods from diet that were triggering thyroid antibody elevation.  Started Ovasitol supplement for PCOS.  Decided to try naturally until October and then do Ovulation Induction (OI) if we weren't pregnant by then.

October 2016: Not pregnant.  Started OI.  Not responding to current dosage of Letrazole (to promote egg growth).  Will most likely start again at a higher dose.


More updates to come!

November 2016 Goals Update

It's definitely time for a goals update.  I've missed this little outlet and have lots to update you on.  To start with, let's talk about 2016 goals:

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More to come soon!  What have you all been up to lately? Leave me a comment and tell me what's new!

On Your Due Date

Tiny Babe #3,

Today is your due date.  Your dad and I so hoped that we'd get to meet you and just like our two sweet ones before you we were devastated when we learned that was not to be the case.

I'm sorry this happened again.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to carry you longer.

I'm sorry we never got to meet this side of heaven.

Our hearts ache for you every day.  We dream of holding you in our arms and kissing your sweet face.  We dream of watching you grow and celebrating your wins.  We dream of being there to comfort you and cry with you in the hard times.

Mostly, we dream of telling you how loved and wanted you were.  And still are.  We love and miss you every day.

While nothing can make your loss less painful, we take comfort in knowing that you're with Jesus and our Good Father can redeem even the saddest of situations.

We love you, baby.
So much.

Mom

In case you need to ugly cry today...

This short movie brought me to tears today and I thought I'd share it with you.  I know not every story ends this way and I don't mean to instill false hope.  But I do know that God writes good stories.

No matter how crappy the chapter you're in seems right now, we can trust our Good Father to redeem it.  He heals, He provides, He comforts, He loves, and He is good.  Be encouraged, friends.

Number 3

It happened again.  You were here and gone in the blink of an eye.  Two pink lines one day, and an empty womb just a week later.

I barely had time to be excited.

Your dad was excited though.  He loved you immediately and began making plans for your arrival - you were due 2 days after his birthday.  I think he loved that.

Every night that week he would pray over my belly and thank God for you.  We prayed that you would be strong and healthy.  That you were growing and in just the right spot.  Even after I began bleeding, we prayed for a miracle, we hoped against hope.

We fought so hard for you, baby.  I want you to know that.

Though I fell instantly in love with you the moment I saw even the shadow of a second line, I felt a lot of fear this time.  I prayed for God's help to be strong no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy was.  But still I felt fear.  Fear of the heartbreak, fear of yet another loss.

But fear or no fear, it hurts just as much.  It sucks just as much.  I miss you just as much.

Sometimes I feel really guilty.  Is my body just rebelling against being pregnant? How can it be so hard to get pregnant AND so hard to stay pregnant?  It's frustrating to try so hard and to get so close, but still not succeed.

The journey through grief is just as confusing and unpredictable the third time through as it was the first.  I will never get used to this.

But I won't give up either.

I know God has a plan in all of this.  Some days that's comforting, some days it makes me really angry that this could be a part of God's plan.

We miss you, baby.  We love you and can't wait to be with you again someday.

Romans 15:13 
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

2016 Goals Recap - April

Hey dreamers! Here is the latest update on my goals for 2016.  Hope you enjoy watching!




Click here to read more about 7 experiment.  And click here for the link to my newsletter. I am excited to be sharing with you some of what I have been learning in school this year!  

Why Don't We "Just" Adopt??

If I had a dollar for every time someone told us the story about a "friend" they knew who was struggling to get pregnant, decided to adopt, and then got pregnant right after that.... well.... then maybe we'd actually be able to afford an adoption.

This is one of the most common "suggestions" or "comforting encouragements" I have heard while going through our fertility journey lately.  I know it's meant well, but it sure does make me want to punch someone in the face.

It is so much more complicated that "just" adopting.  It's not like we can go pick out a baby to adopt tomorrow and that's that.

Also, I would never adopt just so that I could somehow magically get pregnant - as if that were the formula for ending infertility.

Lastly, if Doad and I are not feeling God's call to pursue adoption, it would be just as unfruitful (pardon the pun) to go down that road.  We have to do what we feel led to do, and while adoption is a dream of ours in the future, neither of us feel that God is leading us to that option at the moment.

This post is a little bit sassy, because I've run out of patience for answering this question.  But for the sake of transparency, I want to share it anyway.  Doad and I have been very open about our journey for several reasons: 1) Your prayers and support have meant the world to us as we walk through this season of waiting and losses, that wouldn't have been as available to us if we had not shared 2) We hope to bring purpose to our struggle by being a source of comfort, encouragement, and solidarity to others in similar situations and 3) God deserves glory, no matter what the circumstances.  As we struggle and wrestle through this we want to share the goodness of God in our dark moments, His faithfulness in our weak moments, and His unending love, even when we can't see the full picture.

So I share this with you so that you can better understand why we've not chosen to pursue adoption yet.  So that you can better know how to pray for us as we make tough choices like this.  So that you can be better equipped to provide comfort to other couples who are maybe making the same tough decision.  And so you can stop telling that story already.  Coming from this fertility-challenged mama, it's just not helpful... for me anyway.

So there you have it, a short (yes, short) answer to why we don't "just" adopt already.


Disclaimer: I do not know the mind of God, so don't be mad if I publish this post and two days later He tells us to pursue adoption.  I will gladly eat my words if that means we get to finally add a baby to our family. ;)

Explanation of our "7" Experiment this Year

2016 Goals

We're halfway through February, so I figured it was about time to share the goals I've set for myself for 2016!  I'm attempting to do this vlog style this year. Let me know what you think! :)

To Baby #2

Sweet, little baby,

This is not how it was supposed to be.  Yesterday was your due date.  If we had it my way, you'd be in my belly about to be born or in my arms being kissed ten thousand times a day.

But it isn't that way.

You had a few short weeks in my belly, but you weren't able to grow where you implanted and so you joined your sibling in heaven.  There you two wait for us to come to you since you didn't get to come to us.

We can't wait to come to you.

We can't wait to meet you.

I don't even know what you look like, but I think about you every day.  I think about how I'd sing to you and cradle you in my arms.  How I want to smother you with kisses and smell your soft little head.  How your dad and I would watch you grow and smile with so much pride over the amazing person you would surely become.

We found out we were pregnant with you while on vacation in Cancun.  There was a beautiful peacock that greeted us several times that week and we decided your nursery would be themed after him with beautiful feathers in shades of green and blue.  Every time I see a peacock it reminds me of you and how happy we were to have you in our lives, however brief.

Oh, how I wish we could have met you.

But someday we will.  And that gives me hope to keep going.  I know Jesus is taking good care of you.  And you are with your sibling.

So while we mourn for our loss, we also look forward expectantly to that joy-filled day when we will finally be able to see each other face-to-face.  And I will hold you and kiss you and tell you in person how very, very much I love you.  We miss you and we love you so much, sweetheart.  See you soon.

Mom

2015 Resolutions: Year End Recap

Well, hello there, 2016.  You got here awful quick.  I haven't even had a chance to post my October recap, thankyouverymuch.  

... let's just not even talk about it...

The end of the year really took off for me.  I started several new "endeavors" including, but not limited too: a year-long health coaching program (IIN, if you're interested), becoming a dōTERRA oil educator, and starting a part-time job as an office professional.  

These have all been wonderful and I'm loving what I do now, which is such a gift.  The downside is that my blogging schedule has totally taken a backseat and I'm struggling to reincorporate it to my routine.  But I'm all about the baby steps, so we're just gonna focus on this post today and then worry about the others.  :)

Without further ado, here is my 2015 Resolutions recap:

1. Whole30

We are actually currently on Whole30 number three.  More on that to come. ;)

2. Get (and stay) pregnant

Sadly, this task was not accomplished in 2015.  We gave it our best shot though, lol.  Better luck next time.

3. Quit my job

4. Finish two books with Doad
We did it!!! :)  Woohoo, we finally finished our second book, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess  (aff.) by Jen Hatmaker.  So good.  A lot of our 2016 goals come from this book.  Again, more on that to come. :)

5. Read 24 books

I definitely fell a little short in this area.  I believe I rang in the new year with 14 books under my belt (16 if you count the 2 with Doad).  I'm okay with it, though.  I still read more than last year and I have several books to keep me motivated to hit that 24 number this year.  

6. Marriage Conference
Also didn't make this happen this year, but I have plans to change that.  For real, this time. 

7. Cruise/vacation

8. Purple hair

9. Keep up with Spanish lessons

Boo, this just totally fell apart once I got rid of my commute.  Now in my free time I listen to podcasts, because they're right there on my phone and they're so easy... Still waiting for a magic fairy to put my Spanish CD's onto my phone... 

10. Learn to drive stick shift
I'm keeping this yellow too because I did sort of learn.  I just never practiced enough to get confident with on-the-road driving.  I would say that one more practice at the parking lot and a couple drives through the neighborhood and I'll be good.  That counts, right?

So I got about half of my goals accomplished this year.  Honestly, the only one I'm disappointed about is the whole pregnancy one (for obvious reasons, I think).  For the rest, I think my priorities changed during the year and I just didn't reflect that here by updating my goals. I accomplished dozens of other goals that weren't on this list and I'm very proud of those achievements.  

I'm also super excited for my next post about my goals for 2016.  I have lots of ideas (as always) and I can't wait to share them with you!  

I know it's a tad belated, but I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas a happy New Year.  

Cheers to 2016!!