Jessica Smith: Dream Chaser

I'm going to nutrition school!

This kind of happened suddenly, so I'll explain:

A while back, Doad and I decided that I would not stay on a second year as a nanny once my first year is up in September.  That time is quickly approaching so I have been giving some thought to what I will do after that.

During my sister's high school graduation, the commencement speaker (who also happens to be my brother-in-law!) shared his advice for deciding what to do after graduation.  He said that the world needs people who are passionate about what they do and told them not to just look for a job that fills a need in the world, but to look for something that brings them life.  That resonated with me and I have spent the last few weeks thinking about what brings me life.

The answers that I have come up with all have to do with health and nutrition, teaching others how to be healthier, and empowering them to make those changes in their own lives.  Enter: health coaching.

I entertained the idea of becoming a health coach about a year ago when I heard about a school called the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.  I've been receiving their emails and attending their webinars almost monthly since then, but hadn't dared to mention this to anyone else.  This blog is all about the dreams that I'm chasing in life - having a family, traveling, making a difference in the world... but felt hesitant to share my new dream of being a health coach with anyone.  What if they thought I was crazy?  What if I can't do it?  What if, what if, what if....

I finally told Doad about it and he jumped on board right away.  He helped me see how well this complements the things that I am passionate about and encouraged me to go for it.  We decided to think and pray about it.  As I did that, I felt the fear and uncertainty fading away and found passion and excitement taking it's place.  I finally admitted to myself that I really want to do this.  So I decided to go for it, I'm chasing this dream.  Last week, I officially enrolled into nutrition school to become a health coach! :)

I start in September and I'm super, super excited! :)

Health Update #3

Last week I shared a little bit about how I have been doing emotionally.  This week I'd like to share how I have been doing physically.  

PCOS - This is basically no longer an issue for me.  The clean eating that I've been doing and possibly my use of essential oils and herbs have helped my hormones to balance.  I don't currently present any symptoms of PCOS anymore! :)

MTHFR - The supplements I was taking to help my body methylate and detox properly also worked and I have been able to slowly wean off of those supplements as my body learns to methylate better on its own.  

My one concern in this area is that my folate levels might have dropped again.  The Methotrexate that I had to take for my ectopic is a folate inhibitor and I was not allowed to eat anything with folate in it while on the medicine so that it wouldn't interfere with the treatment.  

I have been eating greens every day since I got the all clear and am taking a prenatal with folate in it as well, so hopefully this does not become an issue.  I've been told that I should wait for three months before trying to get pregnant again though to be sure that I have sufficient folate to make a healthy baby.  For us, this means no trying until September.  :/  That seems really far away to me right now.

Acupuncture - This is still a regular part of my fertility support although lately it has mostly been emotional support for me.  My body feels healthy and strong for the most part and my acupuncturist agrees with me.  

The area where I am weak right now is my emotions.  Rada has played a huge role in helping me through my grief for both of my miscarriages and I owe a huge debt of gratitude to her for that.  

Testing -  We have also added a new "character" to our fertility story.  After having an ectopic pregnancy we decided that it was time to get some testing done and really dig deep into our reproductive health.  I want to make sure that we do everything we can to prevent another pregnancy loss.  We have begun to see a doctor at Shady Grove Fertility Center and had our first appointment this past week.  

We have several tests scheduled for the next month that will hopefully show us if there are any other reasons why pregnancy has been such a struggle for us.

Please pray for us that these test would come back favorably.  The main test that is causing me anxiety is called an HSG test.  They will put dye in my uterus and tubes so that they can see if there are any blockages that could cause infertility or another ectopic.  I am worried that there is scar tissue from a surgery I had in 2011 that has damaged my tubes.  It would explain why I had an ectopic pregnancy, but it would also mean that my odds of needing IVF to get pregnant are increased.  

I really don't want to do IVF.

I want to get pregnant naturally.  In my home.  With my husband.  And not in a sterile doctors office with nurses and doctors and needles and syringes and $5000 of fertility medicine and synthetic hormones.... 

If it comes to that, it comes to that.  And I will probably process that here on the blog too.  But today, I'm just saying that I really, really don't want to have to process that.  I don't want that to have to be an option.  

So I'm NOT looking forward to these tests because I am nervous about finding out more bad news and I AM looking forward to them because it means we will have a better understanding of what our options are and be that much closer to our Someday Baby.  

Oh, the conflicting emotions.  

Thank you all for reading and virtually sharing this crazy roller coaster ride with me.  I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement.  I hope none of you ever have to ride this ride yourselves, but if you do, know that I will be there for you cheering you on and supporting you every second.

PS.  This is random, but I'm planning on changing my blog design soon!  Just wanted to give you all a head's up so you don't think you're lost next time you visit this space. ;)

How to Help a Friend Through Pregnancy Loss

I thought I'd share today how I have experienced comfort and encouragement through my friends and family during pregnancy loss.  Everyone is different so I know that these may not apply for everyone, but here is a short list of do's and don't according to Jess. ;)

Do: Ask me how I'm doing
I think that a good portion of the grieving process for me involves processing my feelings out loud to someone.  If you have the time (and energy) to hear an honest answer about the emotions and thoughts I'm having on that particular day, it can be very helpful to know that you are willing to talk to me about it and maybe even cry with me. However...

Don't: Feel like you have to talk about it with me every time I see you
It's definitely okay to not bring up the loss if the situation isn't appropriate.  Sometimes it's also just nice to take a break from the mourning and act like things are normal.  I'm sorry if this seems like contradicting advice, mostly it comes down to discernment.  Thankfully, my friends have really great discernment and know when I need to talk and when I don't.  :)

Do: Share words of encouragement:
I've received emails of verses and quotes, texts about dreams from the Lord, and messages/cards of your sympathies that have been so encouraging and comforting.  I love to have those to look back on when I'm struggling and have even passed some of them on to others who are going through miscarriage and loss.  Also hugs.

Don't: Give me cliches
These are easy to rattle off when you want to say something encouraging but don't know how.  I know you mean to be genuine and comforting, but I don't know how to respond when someone tells me that God is in control and He knows best.  It's not that I don't believe that, it's just that it doesn't help to make this any easier or less painful.  This point has been thoroughly covered in other similar articles so I won't spend any more time on it except to say this: If you don't know what to say, it's okay to not say anything.  :)

Do: Bring meals
This blessed me more than I can explain.  The last thing I wanted to think about was meal planning, cooking, cleaning, or even eating.  It was such a relief to not have to worry about that and yet know that Doad wasn't going to starve or end up on a bachelor diet of frozen pizzas and fast food.

Do: Bring life
Many, many people brought us a small gift of flowers or plants.  I found it so healing to be surrounded by the beauty and aroma of fresh flowers and the life of a growing plant.  It also gave me purpose and something to do - I spent many mornings watering my new rose bush... and crying in the dirt lol, but I think that brought healing too.  Now obviously I don't expect others to bring me presents or even meals every time we go through a loss, but for those of you looking for ways to comfort friends in similar situations these are some great tangible ways so show your love and support.  A close friend also bought me a necklace with the birthstones of both of our babies on it.  I love having something small to keep with me and remember them by and I wear it everyday.

A couple other things that I found comfort in:

Music:
There's not a big genre for pregnancy loss music, but I made a playlist of the few songs that I found and played them over and over again during the first few weeks.  I found comfort knowing that I was not alone and that others understood what I was going through.  You can find my playlist here.

Puzzles:
I bought a pack of 12 puzzles and finished about 9 in a week and a half.  They were hard enough that I had to focus and it took my mind off of my grief but they didn't take tons of energy and I could still feel like I "accomplished" something.  For you maybe this is video games or reading or baking or binge watching a tv show (which we also did...)

Lacey:
Lacey was therapeutic for both me and Doad because she was a constant.  She didn't treat us any differently than before, she just kept loving us.  She was her same silly, goofy, snuggly self and for some reason that was really reassuring.  She helped bring us back to the present when we were lost in sadness and she gave us a reason to laugh.  I'm so thankful for her and how she loves us.

Friends and family are so important during times like this.  While I can't say that this has been easy, knowing that I have the support of others has helped to make this process smoother for me.  I hope that this has been helpful and gives someone the motivation to reach out and share comfort, support, and encouragement to a friend in need.  It could mean the world to them.  I know it did to me.  :)

Processing Loss

I feel like blogging today, but I am drawing a blank on what to write about.  Lately, most of my posts have been about our health/fertility journey and pregnancy loss.  I was hoping to be struck with some divine words of wisdom to inspire and encourage others who may be going through a similar chapter in their life right now, but to be honest, maybe I'm the one who needs to read a post like that today.  I'm still in the trenches too.  I'm definitely not standing on the other side yet, ready to tell you that it's hard, but you can make it through.  I'm still figuring out how to make it through too.   

So maybe instead, I can just provide some solidarity by sharing where I "am" right now on this journey.  It's been a little over a month since our second sweet little babe's life ended.  Thirty-eight days exactly since we learned that we wouldn't get to meet this one either.  The shock has worn off, but the pain has only slightly diminished.  

We went back to church for the first time last week.  On Father's Day.  It was our week to serve in children's ministry, so we spent our first Sunday back since losing our baby surrounded by other people's babies and young children.  Not my ideal return to church, but I was actually kind of thankful to avoid the crowds and found it slightly therapeutic to cuddle some chubby tots and kiss their soft little heads.  

I'm struggling to talk to God about this loss.  I really wrestled with Him the first time.  I told Him that I was mad at Him, that I felt like He didn't do anything to help us, and asked Him how I was supposed to trust Him when I felt so let down by Him.  He met with me during that time.  He comforted me.  He showed me many ways that He had taken care of me and fought for me.  I felt my faith in Him renewed and that was a big part of my healing. 

This time... this time I don't know how I feel.  I obviously still believe that everything He showed me and spoke to me the first time is true.  I've seen His hand helping us through this past month and felt his comfort through our friends and family.  But I'm still upset.  I still can't believe this happened again.  I'm afraid of how many times He's going to ask me to go through this kind of loss.  I'm tired of waiting and trying and hoping.  I want to skip ahead and know for sure how this is all going to play out.  

I know I'm not going to get straight answers like that though, so I think instead of asking and talking to God about it and risking more disappointment I've just been avoiding having any type of conversation with God at all.  I know He's there and I can acknowledge His sovereignty and faithfulness, I've even found comfort in several Bible verses, but I haven't gone any further than that.  

Maybe subconsciously I'm not ready to move into the next phase of grieving either so I'm just holding onto it instead of taking it to Him.  This grief is heavy and cold and dark, but it also feels safe and comfortable and familiar now.  I don't know if I'm ready to heal.  I don't want to move on.  

One of the things I hate most about all of this is the lack of control.  Nothing in the past two years of trying to get pregnant has gone the way that I hoped it would.  Nothing.  I know that control is just an illusion anyway, but it's hard not to fight that.  It's hard not to want to feel like you have some say in what happens in your life.  I think that God is trying to teach me to just sit back and trust Him to keep me safe on this ride... and I'm rebelling hard against that.  I want to tell Him how to author my story and I'm mad that He hasn't taken my "advice".  I'm sure that the sooner I accept all this the better it will be for me - man, too bad I'm a stubborn hard-head.  

So that's where I am today.  Still working this all out.  Still processing.  Still working up the courage to journal again and be honest with God and let Him back in.  I'd love to hear from you, friends.  Leave me a comment and tell me how you're doing.  Or share a verse with me that has helped you through the difficulties in your life.  

When the Unthinkable Happens... Again

Saturday, May 2: Doad and I set off for a fun-filled vacation to Cancun for 8 days.  

Saturday, May 9: The day before we fly home.  A very happy day and an answer to prayer.  

Tuesday, May 12: I start spotting.  I try to keep my cool and not get stressed.  This pregnancy feel so much different than the last one.  I don't have the terrible, foreboding feeling that I did before. I feel happy and hopeful.

Monday, May 18: Still spotting so I call the doc and ask if they can run some blood tests just to ease my mind. HCG = 2224

Wednesday, May 20: HCG = 2894  It should have almost doubled within the two days so the doc calls for an internal ultrasound to rule out any complications.  I prepare to see our baby for the first time and am actually looking forward to the appointment.  I feel calm and fairly confident that our baby is healthy and all our fears will be put to ease at our ultrasound on Friday.

Friday, May 22: We arrive at the office on time, only to be told that our appointment was accidentally scheduled at a second location 30 minutes away.  We rush to the second location and they manage to squeeze us in.  I'm now feeling stressed and frazzled, but try to remind myself that we are about to see our baby.  They turn on the screen and my heart jumps - is that little circle our baby?  The nurse and tech look at each other and the nurse immediately calls for the doctor - that was weird.  Doctor comes in and starts looking over the screen with the tech.  I ask if they can see my baby and they brush me off.  Doad squeezes my hand tight.  My heart starts to pound - something is wrong.  The baby is growing in my right tube.  The pregnancy is ectopic.  Not viable.  Over.

I shatter.  Start crying.  Is this really happening?  Another loss.  Again?  


Why?


The doctor asks if this is my first pregnancy and I tell her that I miscarried just four and a half months ago.  She tells me that she is sorry and this is really unlucky.  I know she's trying to sympathize, but it sounds so unfeeling in that moment.  I want her to fix it, tell me there's hope, something that can be done.  Instead she tells me that I have three options: 1) I can take a low dose of chemo to dissolve the pregnancy 2) I can have surgery to remove the pregnancy and my tube 3) I can wait until my tube ruptures and have emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding and have my tube removed.  

I want someone else to make the decision for me.  How can I choose to end something that I have wanted and prayed for for so long?  I feel like I am betraying the life inside of me.  If there had been any way to save the pregnancy, I would not have hesitated to take the risk.  Nothing can be done though, so I choose the medicine.  I'm sorry, baby.  Please forgive me.

The day is long.  From the doctor's office we go to the hospital for a qualifying blood test - STAT.  Doad eats.  I can't.  Then to the outpatient infusion center for the treatment.   I almost pass out on my way to the car.  What have I done?  Please tell me this is a nightmare.  

At home, we collapse into bed.  We are in shock.  Trying to process.  Just this morning I was preparing to see our baby - happy, healthy, growing.  Now, hours later, I am no longer pregnant.  Empty.  Shell-shocked.  Broken.  The grief is unexplainable.  So thick, so heavy, so dark.  How many more times is this going to happen?

God uses our friends and family to surround us and help us muddle through the long weekend and the week following.  They send us prayers and encouraging verses.  They pray for us.  They bring us a meal - every day.  

Slowly, I make my way through the process of grieving.  I no longer wake up crying every morning.  Most nights I can fall asleep without tears.   But the road is long and lonely.  No one can do your mourning for you.  Some days it's two steps forward and one step back.  And some days it's two steps forward and two steps back. I think today might be a one step back kind of day - but it's hard to tell.  

This is my story today.  I'm not going to lie, I don't like this part of the story.  But it is my story and whether I like this part or not, I have to believe that God is doing something through this sad, hard thing.  Please pray with me, friends.  Help me hold out for the happy ending.

Lamentations 3:20-24 (ESV)

My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.  But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."